Chances are, if you grew up under the Christian purity movement, you have some notion of the idea of "emotional purity." This is the mindset that emotional attachment to a person of the opposite gender is inherently impure, evil, and to be suppressed, since your duty is to "guard your heart." After much convincing, I finally threw those books out, as they had been nothing but guilt and shame to me, and I figured now I was free.
However, over the course of the past year or so, I've realized that the books I'd read and the talks I listened to on this topic had far greater repercussions on the way I viewed myself and any interaction with guys than I had initially thought. So, here's a list for you of the take home messages I received from "emotional purity" and why I now disagree. And while experiences differ, I hope someone at least can relate. :)
1. "Guarding your heart" (i.e. stifling any romantic attraction, emotion, or impulse until your marriage) is the single most important thing (besides staying a virgin) that you can do to ensure a fulfilling marriage.
WRONG! Seeking to love, serve, and honor GOD is the single most important thing you can do to ensure a blessed marriage...
2. If you fail to save every single "first" (first dance first hand-holding, first kiss, etc) for your future spouse, you are damaged goods.
Umm... The most damaging thing is believing you are damaged goods! You are worth ever so much more than whether or not you've ever held hands with someone of the opposite gender.
3. Don't smile at a guy, look at a guy, or talk to a guy because it could be misinterpreted as flirtation.
This one infuriates me. Deliberate flirtation is one thing, but if you smile innocently at a friend and they interpret it as flirtation, the onus is on THEM not on YOU!
4. Deep platonic friendships with the opposite gender are impossible. In fact, deep platonic relationships with the opposite gender are in direct opposition to attempts at purity.
Can I just say that from personal experience, it is completely possible to have close friendships with guys and not have any romantic attachment to them at all! Friendships teach you how to relate to the opposite gender in a healthy way, and avoid thinking that every guy or girl you meet and connect with must necessarily be "the one."
5. Romantic attraction is a failure to properly guard your heart.
Attraction is not something you can control, per se. However, you do have control over how you react to the attraction. You can choose whether you lust after that person or not. Lust is a sin, attraction isn't.
6. Crushes are the result of a failure to guard your heart.
I really wish certain people in Christian circles would stop considering crushes a sin and instead teach young people how to deal with them in a God glorifying way. There's nothing wrong with "liking" someone or thinking they're cute. The problem is when that one thought monopolizes all others.
7. Flirting is one of the biggest sins a woman can commit.
Please, define flirting for me. Because the way the movement teaches it, any interaction with the opposite gender can count as flirting. It really depends on who's doing the monitoring. Deliberately leading someone on in a romantic way if you are not interested is wrong. However, interaction with the opposite gender, teasing, laughter, does not automatically qualify as flirting.
8. Each time you date/fall in love, you give away an irreplaceable part of your heart.
...So this means that the more you love, the less capable you are of love? Seems legit... Wouldn't it rather be the other way around? The less you love, the less you can love.
9. The part of your heart reserved for your future spouse shrinks with each piece of your heart that you "give away."
Can you show me where in the Bible it says this? Only God should have your whole heart anyway, while we're on the topic of who has your heart. Your spouse can't satisfy your heart. The only One who can is the One who made it! Also, this happens to be the same logic as saying that your youngest child will have the smallest part of your heart because you've "given away pieces of your heart" to your other kids... Love doesn't work like that.
10. The Bible commands emotional purity. "Guard your heart with all diligence."
Go look at the context. Go (It's Proverbs 4:23). Look at the context. Note that nowhere does it say "Do not fall in love or care about someone else." The command was in relation to wisdom. It wasn't in the "love and romance" section of Proverbs, and believe me, there are plenty of those! If God wanted it put with the chapter on prostitutes, He would have put it there. The verse in context simply means to be careful of your heart - your emotions, desires, feelings. Make sure that they are in good health.
11. Your heart is evil, incapable of good, and the source of all evil.
(Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" so if your heart desires anything, it must be wrong...).
12. Becoming emotionally attached to a man that you are not in a parent-permitted courtship with is sinful.
Again, define emotional attachment for me. Because the way I've seen this term played fast and loose with... Any care for a person of the opposite gender qualifies as "emotional attachment."
13. Falling in love? There's no such thing. Emotional love is irrational, wrong, and unbiblical. Love has no feeling component. It is all willpower.
*raises eyebrow* "And Jacob loved Rachel..."
14. Your job is to keep yourself pure so that you may give your husband the "greatest gift." You; untouched emotionally or physically by any other.
The greatest gift you can give your future spouse is to be someone who pursues Jesus wholeheartedly, and not someone who is proud and judgmental because they are "pure."
15. If you keep your emotional virginity intact (and yes, emotional virginity IS a thing), then you will experience greater marital trust and success.
Communication, communication, and more communication is the key to trust. Communication, honesty, and transparency matter way more than whether or not you've ever liked a guy.
16. Women are emotionally wired, therefore it is impossible for a woman to NOT fall in love with a man who she is close to.
I am quite sure this idea was invented by either men who led women on OR dreamy out-of-touch-with-reality girls who see every man as potential marriage material. It is simply untrue.
17. Trusting a male enough to (*gasp*) have an honest, soul-deep conversation with him is bad. Very bad. In fact, it's emotional adultery against your future husband.
Shaming women again? What's new... Again, Jesus was friends with Mary and Martha. Plus, this idea only works if you buy into the idea that all unmarried men and women belong to their future spouse until they're married off.
18. Girls only have sex with guys that they have given themselves to emotionally.
So all those one-night stands? Those aren't sex?
19. You CAN be emotionally pure, and if you aren't, then you just need to read the scriptures more, pray more, and find an accountability partner.
And what if, despite all your best efforts, you STILL "miss the mark?" Are you now damaged goods? Basically...
20. You are a princess and your husband will be a valiant prince who will claim your heart and hand as he sweeps you off your feet into the sunset. However, this can only happen if you remain completely emotionally pure.
Yeah... About that... We live in a fallen world, remember? Fairy tales are not reality, as much as we sometimes wish they were.
21. Your emotions are always capable of being controlled/overruled/eliminated.
Not always. Emotion isn't wrong. There's nothing shameful about having emotions. Even Jesus showed emotion for crying out loud (pun intended). God created us as emotional beings. The problem comes when your emotions cause you to sin. And creating a sin for people to commit, then telling them they've sinned when they fail to reach the impossibly high legalistic standards you've set simply doesn't qualify.
22. Emotional Purity will prevent heartache, heartbreak, and pain.
Try selling that line to the people who have been "emotionally pure" all their lives and now have no idea how to interact healthily with the opposite gender, open up, be vulnerable, and be transparent because they've been taught to suppress all emotion. See above point on the importance of emotions.
23. Hugging leads to sexual and emotional impurity because it is impossible to hug someone of the opposite gender (outside of your family) without being attracted to them, and we all know attraction = lust.
Erm, not all men are sex-crazed lunatic beasts, thank ye very much!
24. Emotional purity + Biblical courtship = Godly, Blessed Marriage
I firmly believe that there is no one formula for a blessed marriage. I've seen people who've courted and are now miserable in their marriage. I've seen love marriages which are some of the happiest marriages. I've seen people come from picture perfect backgrounds that divorce within the first year of marriage, and I've seen people come from some of the most broken lives and they're still happily married years down the road.
Honoring God in all you think, do, say, feel, and in every relationship you enter, will avail you much more in the long run than holding yourself to an impossible standard and shaming yourself over failure to adhere to it.
