You all remember the "Twilight" series, right? Why am I even asking you that – if you have been alive in the past decade, you know about them. Those of us who were in middle school when they came out remember it as our first romance series, and what a series it was! Odes to "Romeo and Juliet" and "Wuthering Heights" without the eloquent writing, plus fantastical creatures, and a really sad girl.
Kind of how all of us were!
Don't lie, you totally related to her because her self-esteem was crap, she took everything upon herself way more than was necessary, and she was clumsy! Just like us! Except she also had a dead boyfriend, which we for some reason also wanted? In retrospect, that wasn't our most shining time.
Middle school held the days of mean girls, greasy lunches, braces, pimples, puberty and having no clue who you are. So Bella was the perfect person with a non-existing personality for us to imprint upon. And no, I did not intend to make a werewolf love joke there, but it happened and I'm honestly happy about it.
Now that it's been a few years, we have a bit more perspective on the situation and can realize that, while those stories will forever live on in our hearts as perfection, the character whose head Stephenie Meyer chose for us to live in is annoying as heck. I don't even feel the need to dig into the messed up relationships in this book; I really just want to recognize all of the horrible and frustrating things Bella does.
And I should know - I've had to read this series on the radio, so I've dug into these books more recently and slowly and agonizingly than you all. I also learned that I don't like reading sexual scenes out loud, but that sounds like a 'me' problem. So, let's take a stroll down memory lane to remind you of a few of these things so you can get in a good scoff.
1. That time she made Edward pick her over his family.
Do you remember that? All of the vampires and werewolves were about to be in a huge battle literally only to protect her, and she goes off on him for abandoning her? I can't stop using question marks because it was just so messed up? She straight up asked him to risk his family's life just so she wouldn't have to sit alone for an hour? Excuse?
2. That time she dropped a whole package of chicken on the floor.
I don't know why this stands out to me, but I remember it wasn't even a 'clumsy girl' moment. She literally just remembered something about her friend Jake, and then dramatically dropped all of the chicken for no reason.
3. All of the times she refused to go to the hospital but instead went to a house full of vampires.
That is definitely the exact place you should go if you're covered in blood. Idiot.
4. That time she joined a motorcycle gang to solidify the fact that she's probably schizophrenic.
And also ditched her only friend at the movies to do so. Idiot.
5. That time she thought that if she let her friend kiss her, he'd abandon all of his other friends.
Especially since she was also leading him on and that eventually led him to getting half of his body crushed. Good thing he eventually fell in love with her infant daughter or this would've been sad. #tbt #rip
6. That time she didn't connect the fact that if the dude can ejaculate, he can impregnate her.
No matter how dead he may seem.
7. That time she told on Jake for telling her about vampires.
She could've literally started a war.
8. That time her and Edward were having the 'I love you' conversation but she refused to turn the lights on.
And Stephenie Meyer wouldn't stop describing the "eerie green light" on his face which kind of just made me want to puke.
9. That time she started crying because she was talking in her sleep.
And it was just SO embarrassing.
10. That time she jumped off a cliff.
For fun. During a storm. No words.
11. That time she wore a "floor length khaki skirt."
I don't remember in what context or when this happened, but I remember hating her for it.
12. That time she got presents for her birthday and threw an actual hissy fit.
Because she "didn't want any." The worst.
13. That time she only got an apple for lunch because she "wasn't hungry."
Bitch, please. You just wanted to make it on the cover.
14. That time she freaked out at Alice for not returning her favorite shirt.
Well, turns out feral monsters took it, so jokes on you Bella.
15. Each time she described Edward's eyes.
We get it. He has eyes.
16. The 1 billion times she refused to call her father anything but Charlie.
And it was annoying AF.
17. And to that end, all of the times Charlie got mad at her with good reason – like running off to Italy for a week with no warning, joining a motorcycle gang, or dating a dead murderer – and she lost it at HIM.
Like, poor dude, ya know?
18. Whenever she did her "silent screaming" thing.
That always just made me kind of toss the book onto the floor.
19. When she didn't realize she was talking to a VHS tape on the phone.
20. When she didn't go to her dad's best friend's funeral.
That annoyed the heck out of me.
21. When she got fake passports without telling Edward.
Even though Renesmee was definitely his kid too. Did I spell that right?
22. Oh, yeah, Renesmee.
I literally hate you so much for naming her that, Bella.
23. Why was she involved in actually nothing in high school?
You couldn't join a club or something? Oh, yea, that's right, Edward is "your life." Have fun putting that on a college resume.
There are definitely a lot more frustrating things that she did, but I've honestly just grown so annoyed from trying to think about it. Feel free to comment your favorite "Bella sucks butt" moment!