With the NFL Draft approaching, there’s already a plethora of mock drafts out there. Here is your breath of fresh air.
Tennessee Titans: Louie Lastik – Tackle, “Remember the Titans”
The Titans need a reliable left tackle to protect Marcus Mariota for years to come. Who’s more reliable than the guy who’s never had a teammate he didn’t like?
Cleveland Browns: Jason Street – Quarterback, “Friday Night Lights” (show)
The Browns haven’t had a “long term” quarterback since Bernie Kosar. Jason Street is the best quarterback in the draft. Injuries may be a concern however…
San Diego Chargers: Petey Jones – Defensive Back, “Remember the Titans”
The Chargers could use some help in the secondary, as well as the offense. Why not someone who can do both?
Dallas Cowboys: Bobby Boucher – Linebacker, “The Waterboy”
Jerry Jones is licking his chops as the best player in the draft falls right in his lap, a pass rusher who can literally win games by himself.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Gary Bertier – Linebacker, “Remember the Titans”
With Paul Posluszny getting older, the Jaguars could look for a replacement for their defensive anchor to continue Gus Bradley’s youth revolution in Jacksonville.
Baltimore Ravens: Julius Campbell – Defensive End, “Remember the Titans”
Like his father once said of his son, “Julius can be the finest defensive end in the league if he’s pushed to it.” John Harbuagh will push him to it.
San Francisco 49ers: Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass – Quarterback, “Remember the Titans”
More Titans? They were perfect. Chip Kelly needs a guy who does it all. He gets that plus a leader who had the nads to tell Gosling to step aside since there was a new lady’s man in town.
Philadelphia Eagles: James “Boobie” Miles – Runningback, “Friday Night Lights” (movie)
With DeMarco Murray being shipped to Tennessee, the Eagles will need someone to compliment Ryan Mathews and an aging Darren Sproles. They take the best running back available despite the injury concerns.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Brian Chavez – Defensive Back, “Friday Night Lights” (movie)
The Buccaneer’s pass defense has been suspect for a while. A guy who can play all four positions would help solve that.
New York Giants: Billy Bob – Tackle, “Varsity Blues”
Similar to Lastik, Billy Bob is a reliable tackle that can improve a shaky line.
Chicago Bears: Rod Tidwell – Receiver, “Jerry McGuire”
They may need defensive help, but Jay Cutler needs more weapons with Kevin White is coming off of a big injury.
New Orleans Saints: Deacon Moss – Receiver, “The Longest Yard” (2005)
Drew Brees does amazing things despite limited weapons. Moss can change that.
Miami Dolphins: Meggett – Runningback, “The Longest Yard” (2005)
After losing Lamar Miller, the Dolphins need a replacement. They take the fasted man in the draft.
Oakland Raiders: Switowski – Defensive Tackle, “The Longest Yard” (2005)
Switowski is a bit of a misfit. An ideal Raider.
Los Angeles Rams: Willie Beamen – Quarterback, “Any Given Sunday”
Lipstick City welcomes the return of their Rams by drafting the flashiest quarterback since Mike Vick.
Detroit Lions: Blue Stanton – Defensive Tackle, “Remember the Titans”
Haloti Ngata isn’t a long-term replacement for Suh. Stanton is just as good minus the attitude. Win-win.
Atlanta Falcons: Steve Lattimer – Defensive End, “The Program”
If he passes the drug test, the Falcons got themselves a steal.
Indianapolis Colts: Becky O’Shea – Linebacker, “Little Giants”
A female Lawrence Taylor, she will fit right in with the Colts scheme.
Buffalo Bills: Charlie Tweeder – Receiver, “Varsity Blues”
Tweeder gives the Bills that slot threat to go along with Sammy Watkins.
New York Jets: Shane Falco – Quarterback, “The Replacements”
The Jets finally have their long-term solution at quarterback. Rest easy now Joe Namath.
Washington Redskins: Dallas Tinker – Defensive Tackle, “Friday Night Lights” (show)
The ideal replacement for Terrence Knighton. He should be the nicest dude in all of D.C.
Houston Texans: Phillip Elliot – Receiver, “North Dallas Forty”
The ideal partner in crime for DeAndre Hopkins. Kind of has a “Manziel” side to him though…
Minnesota Vikings: Trotter – Receiver, “The Comebacks”
Character issues causes Trotter to drop, but the Vikings take the gamble. Like when they drafted Randy Moss.
Cincinnati Bengals: Greg Meaney – Defensive Tackle, “The Waterboy”
Peko and Meaney would make a lethal combination in the middle.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Stefan Djordjevic – Cornerback, “All the Right Moves”
The Steelers finally solve their secondary problem. Even if it is with freaking Maverick.
Seattle Seahawks: Bud Light Kaminski – Tackle, “The Program”
A lineman the size of a beer truck, Russel Wilson will enjoy his new security.
Green Bay Packers: Thad Castle – Linebacker, “Blue Mountain State”
Imagine a locker room with Thad Castle and Clay Matthews. Now imagine that defense.
Kansas City Chiefs: Ivory Christian – Defensive End, “Friday Night Lights” (movie)
A no-nonsense pass rusher who can also cover if need be.
Arizona Cardinals: Donnie Schrab – Center, “Blue Mountain State”
The Cardinals beef up their line with some serious beef.
Carolina Panthers: Torres – Safety, “The Longest Yard” (2005)
Torres improves an already dangerous secondary.
Denver Broncos: Paul Crewe – Quarterback, “The Longest Yard” (1974)
Vince Howard is there, but John Elway doesn’t want a project a year after winning the Super Bowl. He goes with the pro ready guy.
