In my past few years of being a swim instructor, I've realized a few things are universally true for all of us. Kids say and do crazy things. You get kicked, splashed, and harassed. You fear you may never be dry again.
But at the end of the day, no matter how exhausted you are, you're still proud of what you do. And you can definitely relate to a lot of this...
1. Nothing crazy a kid says can surprise you anymore
Yeah, you've heard kids say a lot of really weird stuff. A six-year-old once calmly told me that the pool jet was shooting in his a**. Can't make this stuff up, people.
2. Your normal voice is not the same as in your "in the pool" voice
Also known as your "talking to small children" voice. You know the one.
3. You laugh with coworkers about the weirdest thing a kid has done that week
"Oh, yours called a shark a 'donk'? Well, mine threw up a little on the side of the pool and then pretended it didn't happen and tried to keep swimming." (Yes, true stories.)
4. You're set on what you call elementary backstroke and hate the other names
Tickle, T, Touch...? Little Bird, Big Bird, Flap...? Ummm, no. Chicken, airplane, soldier is the only real option.
5. You've made up your own personal analogies and games that would sound crazy to anyone else
"No, you're not allowed to splash me in the face until we finish making the cake, putting all the apples in the basket, and counting all the ceiling stars! We've been over this!"
6. You know the real definition of helicopter parents
You know, the ones crouched perpetually two feet away from you, staring, taking 800 photos and yelling advice to their children every few seconds?
7. You use way too much conditioner and hair repair product
Ahh, the charming crunchiness of constant chlorine hair. Your days off are a hair respite as much as a mental one.
8. You have ten different strategies for teaching each stroke
And you know you have a rough student when all ten of the strategies fail to make any difference.
9. You no longer panic when kids start to cry
"Oh, you don't want to be here? Neither do I, but at least I got in the water!"
10. You have to buy a new swimsuit every few months
Because yours is literally disintegrating and sagging in all the worst ways. Such a classy look.
11. You have crazy fast reflexes because of how many times you've grabbed kids when they've leaped off walls without warning
*Casually grabs three-year-old out of the air and places them back on the wall while looking the other direction and continuing to teach*
12. You refer to levels by a random hierarchy of fish or sports teams without being phased
(And then you have to learn a whole new system if you get a different job.) "Well, there's Pike 1, Pike 3, Eel, Ray, Polliwog, Fish, Flying Fish...wait, did I skip Pike 2?"
13. You still despise getting splashed in the face
Yes, no matter how often it happens, you will never stop hating that.
14. You've been kicked in so many painful places, so many times
How are these kids so strong when they're kicking you, yet can't seem to kick enough to keep themselves from drowning??
15. There are some kids that just look like they're always drowning
*To the lifeguard who jumped in to "save" a kid in my class: "That's just how he always swims!"*
16. You still dream that one day when your teaching will magically turn your students into pros
And yet it just doesn't seem to work like that no matter how flawless a teacher you are.
17. Sometimes it takes a major self-pep talk to convince you to get in for another lesson
And you definitely don't always want to listen to yourself.
18. You're probably becoming a real mermaid
I mean, you're in the water enough....dreams might just come true...
19. You're tired of having frozen hair anytime you leave work in the winter
Yet another excellent look we get to rock.
20. You have an awesome job and you let everyone know it
Even on your worst days, being a swim instructor is where it's at.
