1. When a customer asks, “Do you work here?”

“No, I knocked out an employee and I put on their uniform for shits and giggles."

2. "No, I don’t want to order that shoe for you. I have five customers lined up behind you that need help and we need our phone. Here’s the phone number for the other store. Call them yourself.”

3. "When you no longer want a product, please return it to it's actual place in the store. Milk does not go next to cookies, no matter how much you want them to."

4. "No, you can't get a discount on that item."

5. "The backroom, contrary to popular belief, is not a magical wonderland that is forever filled with products. It's dark, cold, and largely empty. Like your soul.”

6. "I can't make a product magically appear on the shelf, and I can't call our distributor to get you more. We're out of it. Suck it up, cupcake."

7. "Please ask nicely for me to move out of your way when you would like to get an item. There's no need to shove. This isn't a playground."

8. “Control your children. Better yet, pay attention to your daughter as she crawls underneath a glass table piled with expensive shoes.”

9. "No the whole store is not on sale and nothing will change that. If there's no tag on it you can't buy it."

10. "Pick up after yourselves in the dressing room."

11. “Why are you acting so rude?”

12. “Stop asking dumb questions.”

13. “We’re closing. Please leave.”

14. “If you weren’t told about it then there is no sale.”

15. “If there is a rip, why are you buying it?"

16. “No, you may not speak to my manager. They’ll tell you the same thing I did.”

17. When you answer the phone and are asked, “Are you open?” – “No, I just like to answer the phone against my will.”

18. "Yeah, let me use my higher power to change the price for you."

19. “I don’t make the rules around here.”

20. “Sorry not sorry you can’t get your boots. But you clearly still have a job where you can afford a pair of $50 boots while hundreds of Macy employees are about to lose theirs.”

Special thanks to my friends and fellow retail workers for helping me come up with this list!