Cancer is a tough subject. We are all impacted by it in one way or another; we all know someone who fought it or maybe we even fought it ourselves. No matter how close of a tie we have to cancer, there are a few phrases you should never tell someone with cancer, and questions you should never ask.
1. "Oh I know someone with cancer..."
No matter how you choose to end this sentence, don't start it. It doesn't matter if the person you knew with cancer lived or not, don't compare their cancer to someone else's. Every individual case is different, and although you might know someone who is a survivor and is doing well, that doesn't necessarily mean every case is that way.
2. "I feel so bad for you," or, "I'm so sorry..."
We get it. It's scary, but we don't want your pity or for you to feel bad for us just because we are that person with cancer (this also means we don't want the pity face). There's a circle of normal people (those who don't have cancer) and a circle of people that have cancer, and although we fit into the latter circle, we don't want to be defined by the cancer.
3. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
No, there's not. Unless you can take the cancer out of my body and keep it out, then there's not much you can do for me. Just be there to support me and love me, but keep in mind #2.
4. "Are you okay?"
Obviously I'm not okay (although sometimes I might act like it). I have a foreign object in my body that shouldn't be there and is causing me harm, so no, I'm not okay; stop asking me.
5. "You'll be okay..."
Are you God? No, then you don't know I'll be okay, so stop saying that.
6. "I wish I could take your cancer for you..."
Well, that would be nice, but it's in my body, not yours, thus it's my problem, not yours. Hypothetical situations of you acting like you can take my cancer might seem like a nice thing to say, but really, it's just annoying because it gives false hope.
7. "That's got to be so tough..."
*Face-palm.* Whether it's the depression, chemo, radiation, surgery, losing hair, being known as the person with cancer, feeling sick, sitting in the hospital, not knowing answers, or dealing with the comments people say, everything about dealing with cancer is tough, trust me, we get it because we're the ones going through it.
8. "You're too young to go through this..."
No matter how old someone is, there is no appropriate age to fight cancer. I don't care if someone is a newborn, or 100 years old, nobody is ever at the right age to go through this.
9. "I'm here if you need anything..."
I know this already. Instead of using this bland sentence to try to comfort me, ask if you can do something specific for me: take me to coffee, pray for me, spend time with me, do things you know I like, buy me flowers, etc. These simple gestures go a lot farther than telling me you're here for me. I hate asking for things because I know I'm the person with cancer, and although I know you'll do whatever I ask for, I will still hate asking because I'll feel like it's too much.
10. "Look on the bright side..."
There is no bright side to cancer; absolutely none. Stop telling me there is.
11. "God never gives you something you can't handle," or, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
No matter if you're religious or not, you should know God doesn't give people cancer. It's the sin that entered into this world by Satan that brought cancer. Bad things happen because of this sin that has entered into this world, and because of that, I have cancer, but that doesn't mean that God is punishing me or gave me cancer.
12. "It's all about your attitude..."
Nothing about my attitude dictates if I will fight my cancer or lose to it. The reality is, it's the doctors and how my body will react to my treatments that will determine how my cancer will play itself out, not my attitude.
13. "You're so strong," or, "This will just make you stronger," or, "Things get worse before they get better..."
All of these are nice things to say, unless you realize how difficult it is to deal with cancer. Whether I can be cured in one surgery or I'm in stage four, there are going to be times where I can't be strong, and where I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, so don't give me hope that may just let me down at some point.
14. "I can't imagine what you're going through..."
You're right, you have no idea what it's like to fight cancer until you're the one doing it. I never imagined getting the phone call and hearing the words "you have cancer," but it happened. I didn't imagine crying at the most random times, never being able to watch or hear certain things without crying again, or being the person fighting cancer, but I am, so stop trying to imagine what it's like, because it's the worst experience of my life.
15. "I'm so glad you're fighting it..."
Yes, cancer is depressing, but I couldn't imagine not fighting it. I like my life, and I like how happy I was before cancer entered my life, of course I'm going to fight for that back. I'm glad you like me in your life, but how could someone not fight their cancer?
Knowing someone with cancer is awful, but going through it is so much worse. Do your best to avoid these types of phrases, because although I know you mean well, these phrases are overused, and become annoying. Just think of other ways to help out, and be conscious of my feelings. I appreciate your willingness to help, but forgive me when I get upset if you use these phrases, it's just that I've heard them so many times.
