While we all sweat, some of us perspire through our blouses the second we walk outside on a cool November morning. In a few degrees below room temperature environment, it’s hard to tell which of us are plagued socially reprehensible curse from the gene pool. But check our bags, and you’ll find two and a half sticks of deodorant, a mini-fan, and pads to put under our armpits during a heat wave. We try so desperately to blend in, but our bodies refuse to stop the profuse perspiration while the rest of the population suffers from a minor shine above the brow. From soaking tests in grade school (s/o to all the poor lefties who couldn’t catch a break) to having to do way more loads of laundry than everyone else in the college dorm, we’ve had to adjust to normal life through a number of precautions and excuses for why we’re the poster children for a downpour in the desert. The struggle is real (wet).
1. Needing to apologize every time you shake someone’s hand when the circumstances make it too unbelievable to use the “I washed my hands and I don’t trust hand dryers” excuse.
No, I’m not nervous to meet you. I have palmar hyperhidrosis and I’m too poor to afford botox.
2. Hoarding an extra pair of socks (or eight) for when you soak through the already specially made absorbent pair you’re currently wearing.
It would be nice if the open-toe was an easy fix for this issue plaguing our kind, but too often do we find ourselves slipping out of our shoes and debating on just walking barefoot for the rest of our journey.
3. Waiting at least an hour after you workout to shower because your body refuses to realize that the workout is over.
Don’t even get me started on yoga. Forget your towel and you’re finished. You might as well be iceskating on all fours to Jack Johnson.
4. Having an outfit and five extra sticks of deodorant on deck in your desk at work just in case it was especially humid that morning.
Anything to avoid that pity look from your boss as you walk into his office drenched like Noah and his arc set sale yesterday and humanity has 39 more days and nights of this BS.
5. Carrying around a pack of paper towels to wipe your face on your two-block walk to work.
And having to stop in Starbucks mid-way to cool off before making the rest of the trek. Make no mistake – drink orders are exclusively iced, not hot.
6. Looking at your closet and realizing that you only wear white and black and never, under any circumstances, will you touch the shade of grey.
Any attempt to wear colors is thwarted by the dark stains that appear mere minutes after leaving your apartment. Cue the run back to change and a 5 minute drying sesh in front of the AC.
7. Using a blowdryer (on cool of course) to remove pit stains mid-day.
Side-eye Sally from accounting silently judges you as she leaves the stall. But we all know she’s been embezzling diet coke cans from the break room, so she has little leverage for odd gossip.
8. Trying as you might to keep your hair down for once in your life, but putting it up after a few hours so you can save the glands on your neck and shoulders from suffocating.
I’d like to take a moment to thank God for the gift of dry shampoo. #blessed
9. Blinding yourself with your own sweat as you workout.
For a hot second, you’ll think it’s raining as the salty moisture runs down your forehead. You squint at the partially cloudy sky, hoping you’ll see a rainbow in the distance. Yet, on a second scan, you’ll realize the ground is as bone dry as the prostitute from Amsterdam, and you lost your towel back at mile two. The sweat pouring into your eyes mixes quite well with the tears.
10. Working extra hard at work so you can one day afford a taxi.
No need for a fancy apartment on the Upper East Park Ave. Just a driver with the AC on blast who doesn’t mind putting Closer on repeat.
11. Freezing when the sweat eventually dries and the igloo-like climate that you’ve created for yourself gives you frost bite.
Carrying around a sweater or flannel is quite necessary for these run-ins; however, they only even out the temperature briefly before they’re the bearer of April showers in September.
12. Being grateful for rainy mornings because everyone looks as wet as you do in your normal state.
Forever “forgetting” an umbrella.
