With all of the current tragedies hitting Tallahassee in the last four weeks like Hurricane Harambe, Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, the worst loss Florida State football has ever seen, and yet another power outage, Florida State students can only imagine how much worse this next semester can be. Students seem unfazed by Tallahassee's many catastrophes and their effects seem to roll off of us like water on a duck. But with this ruthless events comes the curiosity of what is to come for the next 13 weeks of this semester. So here are the highly anticipated headlines we will most likely see during this horrific fall semester in the city of Tallahassee and in the great school of Florida State University.
1. Renegade Dies of Colic.
Florida State students can imagine nothing worse than losing our fearless leader and mascot to a terrible horse stomach bug.
2. "Jimbotron" Spontaneously Combusts.
After spending the last year in anticipation of the unveiling of the "Jimbotron" and the new stadium, it's spontaneous combustion would be the topic of every UF fan's Twitter for a week.
3. Gordo's Burns to the Ground After Grease Fire.
Unfortunately, this isn't super unlikely. The only thing worse than this would be their inability to come up with clever puns for their sign.
4. Stozier Library Becomes Infested with Cockroaches and Venomous Snakes.
How would students be able to study? In their rooms? The horror!
5. Guthrie's Only to be Open Until 11 p.m.
Every drunk person in Tallahassee would lose their minds if Guthrie's closed at 11 p.m. People would be devastated that they could not purchase their perfectly fried chicken, their delicious fries, and their sweetly buttered bread in the wee hours of the morning.
6. Potbelly's Loses Liquor License.
Students would go mad.
7. Thrasher Declares "No More Puppies on Landis Green."
Landis Green would be a war zone.
8. Dalvin Cook Decides "Football Isn't for Me Anymore" and Takes Up Badminton.
As if our football team wasn't in enough hot water. Jimbo Fischer would cry real man tears and the sobs of Florida State fans would be heard all over the world.
9. Recess Pool Collapses into Madison Social.
But what about the monthly challenge and my free T-shirt?
10. Mrs. Killings Retires After 41 Years of Employment at Florida State.
Your babies will love and miss you. Never leave.
11. Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease Hits Tallahassee.
Oh wait...
