May 2014.
As I got ready at 6am on the morning of my graduation from college, I weighed myself one last time. I looked at the number on the scale, in disbelief as I always seemed to be at the time. 160lbs. Over less than a years time, I was 90lbs lighter, and at the thinnest and healthiest body weight and size I could ever remember being past middle school. The dress I was wearing was a size 10. The last time I had participated in a graduation ceremony my dress size had been an 18. I felt beautiful that day, confident, as radiant as the sun. I felt proud, of the accomplishment I saw on the scale, and the accomplishment of the last four years worth of work. It felt right, to be celebrating everything I had gone through. Almost 2 years later, with the weight kept off and almost 2 of grad school under my belt, I feel like I can finally reflect fully on this journey and what people don’t know about losing a significant amount of weight and the ways it changed me in good, bad, and unexpected ways.
1. “Wow you look amazing, how did you do it?” and similar repetitive conversations.
Now, please don’t think I’m complaining about this. In fact, the truth is, I loved hearing this. So much so, in the beginning I enjoyed nothing more than walking into places I knew would be filled with people I hadn’t seen in a while, gauging their reactions, and having this conversation over and over again. Of course, I wanted my hard work to be recognized. I got a little disappointed when people didn’t say anything. But there does come a point, as with anything else, that I got sick of explaining myself because I felt like this was just who I was now. What I had to remember, was that people looked at me the way I looked at many others who had done what I did before me; they were looking for hope. Here I was, a real person that they knew, who did what everyone says they are going to do, every New Years, every time they joined a new gym, every time they groaned when they saw themselves tagged in pictures on Facebook they were sure were unflattering. So I’ve learned to just be honest, to tell people that there is no magic formula, that I just wanted it bad enough, and enlisted everyone I could and everything I could to help me get there. That it is different for everyone, but this is what worked for me and assured them that is I could do it, then they could too.
2. Clothes shopping is now the best and the worst thing to happen to you.
Oh clothes. My one true love and addiction in life. Even at my heaviest, there was nothing in the world that made me happier than shopping for new clothes. I have the biggest closet in my house, a walk in that frequently has more clothes piled and spilling all over the floor than anywhere else. Yes, I loved shopping, but when I was heavier, shopping was often a source of great pain and anxiety. I remember realizing in high school when my favorite brand of jeans stopped carrying my size in stores. I remember the shame of not wanting to come out of dressing rooms because nothing I had brought in with me fit, so I couldn’t show my friends. I remember the tears and meltdowns that accompanied shopping for prom, senior banquets, and weddings. Now, shopping is my favorite thing and my biggest problem, most days, is what NOT to buy. When I finally hit a size that I could maintain and was happy at, I shopped like my life depended on what I found on the racks of TJ Maxx. And while my bank account surely suffered, I loved my new found confidence in clothing. I loved feeling that not only did the clothes I found in my favorite stores fit me, but they looked great on me. I felt beautiful in them and took so much pride in being able to grab things off the rack and be genuinely excited about them. So even though I’ve always loved shopping, I can say that I significant love shopping more now that I am just as happy with what's underneath my clothes as I am with them on.
3. The people closest to you will not stop bragging about your transformation.
After one too many exasperated sighs, I finally had to sit my Nanna down and ask her to please, for the love of God, stop introducing me to every single person that we came in contact with at the diner, the pantry she volunteers at, and at church, as “Catie, her granddaughter that just lost 90lbs.” It’s not that I am not thrilled that she’s so proud of me, I really am! But even for people like me who thrive off of attention, there is something a little embarrassing about that level of notoriety in every conversation. Yes, I am proud and happy to share my story, but having to do so in every single encounter I have isn’t necessary. I lost 90lbs, but that isn’t my whole identity, I have a million things I’m passionate about and interested in and would love to talk about instead. So, as great as it is for people to be proud of me and want to share my story all the time, please remember that that’s not all I have going for me.
4.Your relationship with the opposite sex will change for better and worse.
To quote one of the leading authorities on relationships of our time, Drake:
“Ain’t really f*ck with me way back then but how ‘bout now?”
I was overweight in highschool, which meant despite my charming personality, I was every guys’ “best friend” and “little sister” and the girl that guys got to know to get closer to my attractive friends. I figured this would be my role in most of my friendships, as well as with most guys in my life. Now I had boyfriends, some short term relationships and one significant one, so I’m not going all “Never Been Kissed” over here, but for the most part guys in my life fell into the friend category unless they made it exceedingly obvious that they did not want to be there. Fast forward to the last two years, and it was like suddenly everything began to change way before I was ready for it. I was all about the friendzone, hell, I lived in the friendzone for most of my life, having silly crushes on my brother’s friends that I knew would never come to anything. Until of course, they did. The first time a guy friend was actively hitting on me, I laughed. It was like I lived in the new world where I was considered more attractive than previously and would be subject to the same kind of weird lines between friendships and more with guys I’ve known my whole life, which other girls have always been dealing with. It’s weird to feel shifts in relationships I always thought of as steady and unchanging, and as exciting as it was at times to receive attention from guys I would never have in the past, It did, and still does leave a bad taste in my mouth because of how inherently shallow attraction can be. But I’ve learned that there is power in this dynamic as well. I get to choose who I like, who I want to spend time with, who is allowed to hurt me. I’m not saying I’m going all kick ass Femme Fatale as a result of this transformation, but it’s cool that maybe I could feel a little Beyonce “My body’s too bootylicious for ya babe," if I wanted to.
5. Your relationships with friends will also change.
People, as a general rule, get used to their friends functioning a specific way in their lives. Your best friends, the ones that truly love you in every single state of being you could ever be in, will be elated by your transformation. They will be just as proud of you as your mom, grandma, siblings, etc are. They will sing your praises from the mountaintops, trust me I know, I have friends like that and I am more that blessed for their support. But there are some “friends” who will not be thrilled about your change. Girls can be exceptionally cruel and catty. Some girls, because insecurity is a bitch, will find a way to knock other girls down to make themselves feel better no matter what they’ve done. These girls will probably still be nice to your face. They will probably act like your friend and be all complimentary and sweet when you’re around. Behind your back they are the ones that will say things like, “Do you think she really lost that much?” “Don’t you think it’s unhealthy to lose so much weight so fast?” “Guys are only hitting on her because she’s skinnier now.” These people, who you’ll probably hear about from a friend of a friend who overheard them talking at the bar, are not your friends. They were your friend when you were conveniently not a threat to them. They liked you because as horrible as it is, being around you made them feel better about themselves. There are people who are not going to be thrilled to see you succeed. They won’t like it because it reminds them of the fact that they are not succeeding. People like this are toxic and if there is one thing I am grateful for, is that my transformation has truly showed me who my true friends are. The people who love me at every shape, size, and phase of my life and the people worth putting my time and effort into, and they are the people that I am focusing on now.
6. Sagging, Stretch Marks, New Muscles: continuing to learn to love a new body.
I love my new body. In fact, this is the first body I can really feel like is 100% mine. Whenever I see a muscle flex or a collar bone visible, I go all meathead in the gym mirror checking myself out with no regard to how much of a tool I look like. But there are still things I don’t like about my body, things that I struggle with. I have stretch marks. I have skin that sags a little in places. My mother, to my constant annoyance, asks me daily, “Where did your boobs go?” I had always thought that losing weight would be like waving a magic wand over my body, giving me all the things I had always envied on the bodies of girls on tv and in magazines. Instead what I’ve realized is that losing weight has made me appreciate my body in such a new way. I now see stretch marks that I’ve earned from gaining and then losing all of weight that I have. I see smaller boobs that I may not be thrilled with, but are a small price to pay for a flatter stomach and a waist line. I see a body that is strong. A body that carries me as I run an extra mile. A booty that’s small, but I can shake on a dance floor, completely free from the insecurity that used to hold me back. I am learning every day to appreciate my body not only for the way it looks, but for all the amazing things that it can do, and has done for me. I'm proud of a body that has shown me that it is capable of changing and rising to meet the challenges that are thrown my way.
7. Even if you are not super into fitness, people will regard you as an authority figure.
It is a common misconception that people who have lost a ton of weight must be crazy fitness gurus. Yes, I enjoy going to the gym now much more than I used to. I only cry about having to go about once a week now, a vast improvement on the tantrums I threw in college when my friends would trick me into working out. I am also much less likely to order chicken fingers for two out of three meals a day. But these changes that have helped me lose weight and become healthier do not make me an expert on health and wellness. Even my sister, who reads up on, and devotes more time to the passion she has for health and fitness would probably not think of herself as an expert. I know nothing about anatomy. I couldn’t tell you anything about aerobic versus anaerobic exercises or whatever. I’m not even sure how I know those words to begin with. And though I am always happy to share my story and what’s worked for me to anyone who wants to listen, I would never take away from the people who have studied and devoted their lives to fitness. I just tried really hard, and enlisted anyone I could find to help me meet my goals, and I suggest everyone do the same. I am no authority on fitness, but I am one on what it feels like to try to lose weight over and over for it finally to work. So if you want to talk about that, by all means, holla atcha girl!
8. You’ll still feel like the “old you” sometimes because you are still you.
I know I’ve already made the “Magic Wand” reference in this post, and I’ll probably do it again at least one more time, so bare with me here. Losing weight to me was the answer to all of my body issues. I was just so sure that all I need to do was drop a couple pounds and that I would be free and confident and ready to take on the whole world. And I do feel like that, some days. Some days I wake up feeling cuter than a Tumblr page devoted to baby animal friendships. Some days I finish a workout feeling like one of the boss ass bitch fitness models my sister obsesses over on Instagram. And some days I wake up and I feel 250lbs again. Some days I can’t look in the mirror or at the scale because I feel bloated and cranky and sure that I am the least attractive creature within a mile in every direction. And I’ll try to tell myself. “You are not the big girl anymore” “You’ve worked so hard, you should be happy with yourself!” But I’ve come to realize something. Just losing weight and being happier with myself and my body does not mean that I will no longer feel insecure. I am still me. I will still hate my hair some days, or think my nose is too wide, or stare at my one tooth that's crooked and frown. I will always be me, and with being me will come with it the hangups and issues that have always been present. Everyone has things about themselves they don’t like. Even the fitness models my sister and I love so much have things that make them feel insecure about themselves and their bodies. I can look in the mirror and know that I am far from the “old me” and that I should be happy and proud of how far I’ve come. But I also know that there will always be things about myself that I will have to concede to live with and learn to love, and that is because I’m human and can’t expect to be any more than that.
9. You’ll be terrified of gaining all of your weight back and letting everyone down.
Let me tell you a secret. There is something that I fear more than spiders. There is something I fear more than forgetting to load the dishwasher when my mom had asked me to as I hear her garage door open announcing her arrival. There is something I fear even more than talking total shit about someone via text with a friend and actually sending the person I’m talking about the text instead. I’m afraid that eating M&M’s will cause an out of control snowball effect that I cannot stop. That binging once will lead to the slow creep of 90lbs leaping back onto my body leaving me no way to control it. I’m afraid that one day I will wake up in my old body, the last year being explained away as a dream sequence like some failing tv show plot line with too many holes to write itself out of. It’s weird. It’s like once you do something, and get more praise, recognition, and approval from everyone around you than you can even dream of, it feels like failing to keep it up will not only be a let down for yourself, but for all of those people that believe in you. A fall from grace sucks, ask Lucifer. I’m kidding, but there is this fear, once you do something you always thought was impossible, you finally achieve a goal, let yourself enjoy success, that if you get too happy or too comfortable, you’ll lose it all. There was a point, during my weight loss, where things could have tipped to full-out obsession. There was a point where counting calories started to look like restricting, and one workout a day didn’t seem like enough. I’m lucky. I had people in my life who weren’t afraid to call me out. To tell me to relax. To force me to see that my weight wasn’t going to all come flying right back just because I skipped the gym and went out for Taco Tuesday. Taking a diet too far, to a point where it becomes something very real and very dangerous happens all too often. I’m not saying I don’t still struggle with allowing myself to relax, but I’ve learned that both extremes aren’t healthy for me, and that I’m much happier being happy, healthy, and enjoying a taco and margarita night with a gym session the next day. I’ve realized that I am not going to let everyone down, and even if I did, it doesn’t matter. Because it’s me that has to live in my body and to love it. And it’s me who has to be happy inside and out of it.
10. Losing weight won’t solve all of your problems and that’s okay.
Alright, magic wand time, once more, I promise. So maybe I didn’t really believe that losing weight would solve all of my problems. I mean, I didn’t think that losing weight would result in a global peace treaty, or an A in a math class, or anything completely not probable like that. But part of me attributed a lot of issues I had to my weight. My failures in relationships, my insecurities, my anxieties that caused my junior year to be literal hell for me and everyone within my little orbit. All of these problems I anchored to this one impossible problem in my life, and I was so sure that the minute I fit into a size 8, for the first time in like, ever, I would be suddenly happy and well adjusted. And while losing weight definitely played a role in the diminishing of many problems in my life, I realized what a crock of shit it was to assume being physically fit would magically fix me, or rather to think that just losing weight would be the reason I fixed aspects of my life that made me unhappy. You see it all the time quoted in graduation speeches, and printed on pretty sunburst backgrounds pinned on your sorority sister’s “Inspiring!” Pinterest board, “It’s not about the destination, it about the journey” And at the risk of sounding like a total sap, I have to agree, (cue aforementioned sorority sisters squealing). It’s really not the destination, having lost the weight, that suddenly fixed all the broken pieces in my life. Many people in my life would argue that I am happier, more well adjusted, more successful than I have ever been. And they are probably right. But it isn’t because of a magic makeover sequence in some Disney movie where I stepped out of my ugly duckling disguise and sauntered off as a swan into the arms of prince charming and the castle. (Sorry for all the cliches, I swear I’m getting to the point.) Throughout my weight loss journey, and still, I’ve been growing up. What started as wanting to fix one thing I wasn’t thrilled about, turned into tackling multiple areas of my life and myself I knew needed to be reevaluated.
The thing no one tells you about losing a significant amount of weight is that it takes a good hard look at yourself and realizing that you are admitting to being unhappy about something, which people are so damn afraid to do. It’s like by admitting you could be better means conceding defeat in some way. But from that long hard look, inside and outside, I was able to actually start rebuilding the parts of myself that were making me miserable, and along the way, gaining the confidence from the every day little successes to keep going and apply my new can-do attitude to everything in my life. I’ve proven to myself that if I want something bad enough, I can do it. And I’ve proven to myself that I am the only person in my own way, and the only person I owe to make happy, in whatever way that may be. So has losing weight fixed everything? No. Of course not. Because life isn’t a fairytale where everything is perfect in the end, especially because this isn’t the end, it’s just been a pretty awesome chapter. I’ll have more successes, and certainly more failures. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I can handle them. Now that’s a “happy ending” I can get behind.
