Dear Ex,

It’s been nearly two years since we decided that our lives weren’t meant to be shared with one another in the capacity that they were.

Months of fighting and misunderstandings finally culminated in a messy, difficult breakup. You were my first love and, in a way, I’ve always been resentful towards you since we called it all off. So many things I swore I would never do in a relationship I did for you, but I’ve since realized that every relationship is a learning experience, so after years of resentment, I finally feel ready to tell you a few things. You’ll probably never even read this, but in the off-chance you do, I want you to know.

1. I don’t hate you.

It seems like I’ve felt every emotion imaginable since we broke up. I cried more than I ever knew I could, I got angrier than I ever knew I could, I became more distant from my family and friends than I ever knew I could, and I became more careless than I ever thought I would. Even though my internal rollercoaster seemed to have more lows than highs, I’ve never hated you.

2. I went through more hell during our relationship than I ever expected I would.

In your future relationships, please don’t flirt with other guys. You always told me these interactions were harmless and would never amount to anything, but putting my feelings on the back burner for someone you met online from hundreds of miles away hurt. Damn it, it really hurt. I will never gain back the huge amount of self-esteem I lost during our relationship.

3. I don’t regret helping you through tough times.

I won’t pretend that your life is easy. You and I both know you’ve experienced trials and tribulations that no person should have to go through at any point in their life, especially as a teenager. Being a support system and listening ear for you was never a burden.

4. You were my best friend.

Our long FaceTime calls, movie marathons, car rides, and conversations are just some of the things I loved about being your boyfriend. I wouldn’t have dated you if I didn’t genuinely enjoy your company. Your humor and wit, especially in the beginning of our relationship, will always have a place in my heart.

5. I couldn’t keep up with you.

In our last few months together, I constantly felt two steps behind you. It always seemed like everything between us was so sneaky. No one wants to walk on eggshells in their own romantic relationship.

6. You taught me the importance of self-evaluation and self-care.

Your life consumed my own for a long time. It came to a point where I was caring more about your happiness and well-being than my own. Trying to be your biggest cheerleader instead of my own, in turn, led to my downfall and mental burnout.

7. Everyone could see our manipulative, flawed relationship ... except me.

I genuinely thought our relationship was ideal. Sure, it may not have been a fairytale, but only outside perspectives could see how bad we really were for one another. Nearly every one of my friends told me you weren’t good for me, but I didn’t want to listen to them because I never thought you’d use me like you did. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but in the moment, you were all I thought I needed.

8. You can’t just decide to be invested in a relationship when it’s convenient for you.

There were so many times when I felt like our relationship was solely on my shoulders. The lack of interest you showed in me left me confused and upset with myself, even if I had no power to change it.

9. I will never again be at the beck and call of someone else like I was for you.

Of course, being your boyfriend was great at times, but at other times it was exhausting. Caring for someone else when I could barely care for myself left me feeling stretched thin and drained. I never hesitated to help you in any way I could, even when you always took advantage of my kindness.

10. I’m sorry.

(I bet you didn’t expect this one). Even though a huge part of me still feels like I got the short end of the stick in our relationship, I know that our breakup was mutual. You may not have been the perfect boyfriend, but I know I was far from perfect, too.

If you do read this, I want you to know that I’m genuinely sorry for the times I left you feeling less than important. I know we were both younger and more naïve when we dated; we each grew into completely different people throughout those two years we were together, and I’m sorry if the person I became was barely recognizable from the person you initially took interest in.

Looking back on what we had, I don’t regret the times I stood up for myself and my feelings, but my stubborn personality often got in the way of me listening to your sides of our arguments. I don’t wish we were together still, but I do wish we could have ended our relationship in a supportive way, instead of the months of arguing and deepening wounds that followed our breakup.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t “the one,” but I truly do hope you find happiness with someone else who knows how to love you better than I ever could.

Sincerely,

Your Ex