As someone with depression, I can tell you I wholeheartedly appreciate the effort, but sometimes what seems like helping actually makes me feel worse. But sometimes, people are just rude and that's not okay. So, here's a list I've concocted of 10 of the most frequent things I've heard in the midst of a depression spell.
1. Don’t I make you happy?
Yes, you do. We have fun, but right now, I’m just very sad, and it has nothing to do with how happy you make me. But you asking me this is not only selfish of you, but it also makes me feel bad about the way I’m feeling.
2. You’re always smiling, though.
Yes, because I don’t want other people to pity me, or ask me what’s wrong, or get upset, or keep them from having a good time. Plus, humor is a defense mechanism; by taking impulses or thoughts and turning them into a light-hearted joke, to cushion me and the people around me. So, it’s not just me, it’s best for you, too.
3. Your life isn’t even that bad.
You have no idea what someone else has been through. Show a little empathy before dictating what qualifies as a “bad life.”
4. There are other people out there with lives worse than yours.
Okay, and? I understand there are people with worse lives than I have. Does that mean I’m not allowed to have a shitty day/week/month every so often? Sure, compared to other people, my bad day may seem miniscule, but compared to other days, this one just happens to suck more.
5. Stop saying sorry!
No. Telling me to stop apologizing makes me think I’m pissing you off, and then I feel even worse, and I feel the need to apologize again… It’s just an endless cycle; please accept my thousand apologies.
6. Everyone gets sad/has bad days sometimes.
I know that… Mine just last a little longer and hit a little harder than most.
7. Why are you so bitter/angry?
When someone with depression gets snippy, it’s not necessarily because they’re mean or hungry. It’s because anger is another defense mechanism to protect from a place of vulnerability. So, instead of feeling insecure and weak, I might throw some shade your way, it’s really nothing personal.
8. Just get out of bed and talk to someone, you’ll feel better!
So I can just get out of bed and talk to someone and I’ll magically be cured? Wow, thank you so much. Let me just unravel from my burrito and just join a conversation. Perfect. I’m sorry, it’s just not that easy. During a depression spell, I’m so wrapped up in my own self-loathe and warm blanket that I physically cannot move from this state. Just, give me a minute or two.
9. Promise me you’ll stop?
Look, I appreciate you trying to help, and getting me to stop hurting myself. But you telling me not to do something like that just makes me feel uncomfortable, and like I let you down. I know you care and you want me to stop, but it’s just how I cope, and I’m sorry.
10. I didn’t do anything, did I?
Like #1 of this list, this question is very selfish. When you say something like this, it makes me feel even worse, as if I didn't consider your feelings before falling depressed, you know? Don’t put someone else’s mental illness on yourself, it’s not healthy for either one of you. I promise the mixed-up chemicals in my brain have nothing to do with you.
