Word’s in y’all: Marijuana is still considered a schedule one drug by the DEA. For comparison’s sake, heroin and cocaine are only schedule two. Weed is considered dangerous and of zero medical benefit. This is despite pharmaceutical companies literally making medicine from it and the existence of medical marijuana. And there have been no deaths ever recorded from a marijuana overdose. It would actually take 120,000 hits of marijuana to kill a human being (something that would be impressive to watch). But if the devil’s lettuce is actually that dangerous, then these 10 things must be imminent threats to our very existence in comparison!

1. Drinking water

Water, our most precious resource and building block of life, kills more people every year than marijuana. That’s not including drowning or anything like that — people literally hydrate themselves to death. Although it’s rare, it still happens.

2. Dogs

Is Fido resting by your feet as you read this article? Well, watch out — 20 to 30 people every year are killed by dogs.

3. High school football

In high school, these student athletes are the apex of the social ladder, while stoners are considered lazy, unmotivated nobodies. But the former is causing traumatic brain injury to himself as a hobby while the latter is using a substance with few to no longterm effects. Funny how that works out.

4. Vending machines

If your peanut M&Ms aren’t coming out, don’t tempt fate by shaking it; you might become one of the people who is killed by a falling vending machine every year. No word on whether these incidents were caused by inebriated munchie rage.

5. Falling on a broken wine glass

I don’t even know what the marijuana equivalent of this would be. Self-immolation when lighting a bowl? Fatally slicing yourself on the glass of a broken bong?

6. Cows

They might look placid and harmless, but these half-ton bovines can be pretty dangerous. It’s a good thing we only encounter them on our dinner plates, right?

7. Uncooked meat

Oh fuck.

8. The cold

Surprising nobody in Western New York, exposure to the cold can be deadly, and kills dozens every year.

9. Falling icicles

It’s like we’re daring the environment to kill us by living where we live. “Do it, you won’t,” we say. But it will.

10. Literally every legal drug

The drugs that your doctors give you can be just as dangerous as the illegal ones, and not just the prescription ones either; 150 people die every year from Tylenol overdose. I remember in high school the school nurse would give out that stuff on demand. Headache? Tylenol. Stomachache? Tylenol. Yet you would be expelled if they caught you with weed.

And that’s nothing in comparison to how some doctors prescribe. Eighty people die from legally obtained opioids every day. Imagine a decently sized lecture with 80 students. Now imagine all of them dropping dead around you. That’s cause for alarm, even if it were a one time thing, but especially if it were every fucking day.

I’m still optimistic, though. I’m optimistic that these ridiculous laws and restrictions will be fixed sooner rather than later. Even if it has to go state by state, I think the future will look to the present like how we look at the era of how women’s suffrage or interracial marriage, a kind of “what the fuck were they thinking?” I'm optimistic that maybe one day, we’ll have solved the problem of the deadly vending machine epidemic.