If you were fortunate enough to devote your childhood Summers to passing June through August along the Atlantic Ocean, you know the special quirks of the Jersey Shore that our fellow non-beachers do not. Salt water has stained our souls in distinctive and special ways. Here's 10 signs you beached your way through childhood.
1. Wawa is still the best thing that has ever happened to you
Absolute and complete infatuation since embarking into that mesmerizing Garden of Eden. The Holy Land of Icees and Milkshake Machines and Iced Coffees and Hoagies.
Regardless of what the sign may read, in the words of Kenny Chesney, “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems.” A salt washed dripping bikini, sandy feet, and a couple of damp dollar bills will suffice for all survival needs of the voyage from beach break to land of happy tummies.
For the months of June through August, your Iced Peached Tea pumps life through my veins.
Dear WaWa, your charm, delicious snackyish foods and budget friendly costs, leaves us in awe. You have our hearts.
2. You and your siblings battled over towels
As a practical, rational young adult, with more imperative matters, a towel is only a mere means of a place to lay and dry off. But, at the age of ten, this was a momentous component of the everyday beach routine. Preferred towel alluded your style sense to the entire beach population. Your reputation depended upon it! The most pinnacle, yet overlooked aquatic accessory.
Circa 2006. A moment of silence for the day blood was indeed shed, over the battle of the tie dye towel.
(The same applies to beach chairs, beach bags, and at a younger age sand toys*)
3. Beach days are simple
Sunbathing + Eating + (Waiting 15 minutes then) Swimming + Sun = Nirvana on Earth
Except omitting one of these irreplaceable elements = Absolute Dissolution.
So, growing up you knew the only thing worse than this:
Was this:
Being withheld from the ocean is torture for us salt water addicts. Especially when we are within proximity.
THERE’S ONLY SO MANY SANDCASTLES THAT CAN BE BUILT.
4. You have tasted the best ice-cream in the state
Regardless of which origin of parkway South you dwell, the most exquisite, delectable ice-cream is the kind dribbling down your sun-kissed fingers, at a hypersonic rate in comparison to your ability to actually inhale it quickly enough. (Bonus points if consumed in a location with crashing waves as background noise).
The physical form of heaven is also attained through the nourishment of Kohr’s Orange Cream and Vanilla Twist. In a cone of course.
Shame on you who spoil its simple delightfulness with damn sprinkles.
I apologize for the visually sensed craving.
5. You have acquired canine abilities
Your aptitude to sniff out the ocean is comparable to hounds. The epitome of aromas is only professionally sniffed under fine circumstances with the properly trained beached nostrils: the sea is in proximity; windows are precisely rolled down; head, horizontally adorns out the window. You bask in the gratifying essence of Sodium, Magnesium, Calcium, Potassium, Chlorine, and Sulphate (A.K.A. BEACH).
No Yankee Candle could do this faint sweet breeze justice.
6. Warm spots
No further specification necessary.
You have contributed to their masses.
But, in your defense, what else is an eight year old supposed to do when spewed full of sugary liquids and entrapped on a lot of sand?
You have waded through them. Your good angel on your right shoulder desperately tries to convince you it could be a change in the currents but the evil angel on your left points to the wrinkly old man floating a few feet away and laughs.
Nonetheless, ew.
7. But, warm spots are considerably preferred over the beast of the high seas
No, not Great White Sharks.
Jellyfish.
There is no tactile experience alike a 95% H2O blob caressing your legs. By the time he’s done his damage you’re already screaming. He signs his autograph with a blotchy red streak, and the stinging sensation runs its course.
We have all heard the remedy but only the brave lifeguard will utter it out loud, “Urine could help the pain.”
Thanks, but seriously NO thanks.
8. Shoes are annoying
You’re piggies prefer freedom. They like to squish around the sand and be tickled by the sea.
As adorable and taunting the shoes may appear upon purchase, you know they’ll only be neglected during the Summer months.
If shoes have no place at the beach, why do they deserve a spot in your life?
(But, Dear Shoes, please take me back comeSeptember. I promise to spend preposterous amounts to acquire you as apart of my wardrobe and withhold the complaints of painful blisters)
9. Bathing suit shopping is a precise science
The beach is our oasis. We surely appreciate the Atlantic Ocean, but the tides can birth some grueling upsurges of waves.
Therefore, bathing suit shopping is comprised of two fundamental basis:
1. Bizarre tan line possibilities must be taken into full account. Anything criss-cross can be disregarded.
2. OCEAN PROOF. We all know the painful consequences of a harsh wave. Grappling for the strings of your bikini bottom, uneasily wondering if your top remained in tact? No me gusta.
A bathing suit needs to look the part, and do the part. Practicality people.
Bikinis are only purchased if both ocean proof and adorable.
10. A house isn’t a home. The beach is home
Whether happy or sad, the beach is where you long to be. Family and friends. Summer and Winter. Your heart craves the beach.
Your footprints may wash away but your memories are forever engraved. (Sorry I had to be cliche for a second).
But, the simplicity of Summers spent basking in the sun, marveling at the amazement of nature, hot days and warm nights. The nostalgia of the sun, sand, and surf, is irreplaceable. Our souls are kissed by the sun even when tans fade.
A beached childhood is a blessed childhood.
P.S. If I die young, please spread my ashes at the nearest Wawa.
