On Tuesday, I committed the horrible sin of eating my roommate’s bueno bar. It was left on the shelf, temptingly, and I took it with me to work to consume--all the while knowing the identity of its true owner. Do I regret my actions? Yes; I have an easily upset stomach, and it was rude of me to steal from my roommate. However, I was not without cause--I have, in fact, ten sensible reasons why I ate my roommate’s bueno bar.
- I am just looking out for their health
Bueno bars are not exactly the paragon of healthy foods--their chocolatey goodness has a price. Even the smallest mistakes can build up over time, so a healthy lifestyle is the key to a happy life. As far as I know, my roommate has a pretty reserved, balanced diet--it would be a shame if that balance was lost. If anything could make a man go over the edge, it would be a bueno bar, and god forbid I would ever let my roommate walk down that dark, high-fat path. I, however, have been traveling that road since my youth, and I know my limits: I can take one for the team. If eating that bar could add a few years onto my roommate’s lifespan--by God, I will take that shot.
2. I have no semblance of self control
I have never presented nor claimed to have even a morsel of restraint--some may say I’m “off the rails.” From shooting straw wrappers at strangers to eating other people’s candy, I’ve seen and done it all. The only reason I don’t have a tattoo of boobs is probably because I previously went broke from spending all my money on gallons of vinegar. Retrospectively, one might even blame my roommate for this incidence since they left the bueno bar in plain sight, all while knowing how much of a wreck I am. I am an unstoppable force, and at this point in my life, it is up to others to protect themselves and pray.
3. I have no morals
Long story short, my heart is a void. I feel nothing but greed and wrath--I am a pit of sin and despair. Honestly, the only reason I have never insulted anyone is the prospect of jail. Beyond help, I spend my days wallowing in transgressions and loathing. On some level, that bueno bar meant nothing to me: I am the embodiment of hopelessness, and chaos is my sword. I cannot stop now.
4. I really like bueno bars
To be fair, this was only the second bueno bar I’ve consumed in my entire life. The first was also my roommate’s, but they gave it to me as a symbol of friendship. The taste of that bueno bar was beyond description---that is to say, it was chocolatey and creamy at the same time. It was a tale of love at first taste, but my Juliet of candy withered away after only a few minutes of digestional bliss. What note was this to end upon? Why give up? I touched heaven and thrived--who was to stop me from trying again? By God, I had found my Muse, and I couldn’t let these feelings in my heart and my intestines subside. It was my duty, as an American and a pursuer of dreams, to taste the supple chocolate of that second bar.
5. I’m an anti-capitalist
Capitalism can never be fair. The very institution, the heart of it, sets up a hierarchy that should not exist in society. However, in this day and age, we are forced to participate in this twisted construct to survive. But don’t give up! There are many things we can do, both conventional and not, to fight against the tide of consumerism and social classes, and eating your roommate’s bueno bar is not far off the mark. While it symbolically represents rebellion, it may also make your roommate think twice about purchasing goods from a corrupt institution. It’s a powerful move, and it may even inspire others to join the cause.
6. Someone else who is less worthy may have gotten to it anyway
There are many a people who wander the halls of my dorm room--guests of every caliber. I have seen the most stunning individuals to the biggest mistakes, and any of them, hypothetically, could have eaten the bueno bar. In a sense, the bueno bar is Excalibur, and the bravery to steal it from my roommate is the stone. But how can anyone be sure that the mouth that swallows such a supreme candy bar is a worthy one? Yes, it is true that many people who had the opportunity to take the bueno bar are wonderful, but what if one of the unworthy were to take a bite? I am certainly no God or holy figure, but I am good enough for a bueno bar. At the very least, I am preventing the candy from becoming tainted by the desperate.
7. I needed a topic for my Odyssey article
I usually write my Odyssey articles last-minute, and I always struggle to find a good topic. One week, I even had to resort to poetry. It was a mess. I am enrolled in a good college because I want a good education, so shouldn’t my intellectual pursuits take precedent over perishable food? In this day and age, it is vital to take every opportunity possible, and this situation presented all sorts of potential. Needless to say, it was an absolute goldmine. Truly, in the end, isn’t that all that matters?
8. I have a self-destructive personality
Forget what any previous reasons may have suggested--I am human garbage. Additionally, my nervous habits and behaviors do nothing for my health; I have long ago spiraled into a self-destructive beast. Nothing I have done has ever been good for myself, so it is statistically improbable that I will ever help myself or “make the right choice.” Therefore, it was nothing but a matter of time that caused me to eat that bueno bar--I am mathematically required to hurt myself at every turn, every chance, and every candy bar.
9. I have more important things to worry about than the people most important to me
College is stressful, and it leaves each student with a lot on their minds: classes, grades, schedules, and living standards. Especially for those with a job (like me), this can easily get out of hand and make for a very difficult transition. Even though I have attended college for almost 8 weeks, it is still a lie to say that my life is in order. Therefore, to meet my daily needs, I cannot waste time thinking about “feelings” or “people.” I have places to go and things to do, I can’t be weighed down by the prospect of inconveniencing or hurting someone. I needed that bueno bar to fill my hunger, so the only logical course of action was to forget consequences and the important people in my life and eat the cand.
10. Fate
