Hey there, all you salty, sweet and totally tempting snacks: We need to talk. Sure, you have been in my life since I could eat solid food, but it is time we took a little break. I will admit, you have gotten me through horrendous breakups and been there for me whenever I got the midnight munchies, but I always just end up feeling guilty at the end of the night.
You are like forbidden fruit, you know? Except, you are not fruit...because fruit is healthy. I have been doing a little bit of soul-searching and have decided that there are some foods I just really do not need in my life anymore...even if they are delicious. I am talking to you, double bacon cheeseburger.
Without further ado, here is a little letter to the junk food that I do not need in my life anymore.
To My Dearest Doritos
Enough is enough. Doritos are the most obsessive snack food I've ever had. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have everyone see my orange, cheesy fingers after I hang out on the couch with you? Not to mention I can never just have ONE handful. Having you around has been fun, but it's time that we went our separate ways. Please man, you may have nacho cheese, but I am nacho girl anymore.
To My Sweet Cookies
To my dear chocolate chip cookies: With a heavy heart I regret to say that our relationship has become very unhealthy...well actually, it is just you that is unhealthy. There has been some actual scientific studies showing that excess calories are the leading cause of weight gain. I am no scientist, and I am not completely sure if that is true, but I do not want to take any chances. I will admit, I may love the warm, fudgey taste of a cookie with milk, but I can definitely handle myself without you.
Buh-bye.
To My Tasty Tater-Tots
Hey tater-tots, we need to be honest here. We never truly appreciated the crispy, crunchy beauty of you and your tater-tot buddies until we came to college. Yeah, yeah, you are meant for little kids, but we are young at heart, you know?
But legit, this needs to stop. We are too attached to you and your little friends. We just cannot get enough of your delicious, greasy, golden goodness. So, we are making the adult decision here and saying we are done....plus here we have always been more into french fries anyway...sorry.
To My Cute Little Cupcakes
We have had some amazing times. You made me the dessert lover I am today. So I am not saying we should totally end things, but we need a little break. I realized that I was spending too much time with you when I ate a dozen Marshmallow Candy-Stuffed White Chocolate Cupcakes in one sitting.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and I think we have just had too many sweet, sweet adventures, trying out new flavors and frosting styles. But here is the bottom line: Cavities, man. I need to cut back on my sugar intake, so let's just take a step back and be friends, ok?
To My Incredible Ice Cream
Do not worry, we know that all this must suck to hear, especially since you have always been my go-to friend to sit on the couch with whenever we have boy troubles. But here is the thing, my dear ice cream: lately I feel like you have been freezing me out, and that is just not cool.
Obviously I will still come visit you at Cold-Stone this summer, but I think it might be time to slow things down a little bit....I need to be with my other friends besides Ben & Jerry.
To My Sassy Snickers Bar
When we first met, you were shiny and new, staring back at me from behind the glass of the vending machine. For a while, I came every day before class to pick you up, since you were so good at keeping us awake.
Then, I started to rely on your chocolaty goodness too much, saying I was not myself when I was hungry, and the only way to satisfy my hunger was with you. I am sorry, Snickers, I know we always get along well, but you might just be too much of a nut for me.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that this relationship...and all my relationships with junk food…
It's over.
