Being an English major is really difficult. Most people, when they hear that I am an English major, simply laugh, or nod their heads with an amused look. Some say, "oh, so you're going to be a teacher?" I guess in the grand scheme of life I will be a teacher, but not a teacher in school. English majors are people who see the world from a different perspective than most others. To be an English major requires a certain degree of quirkiness. Let's be honest, if you get a group of English majors in a room, some odd things are bound to happen. But that's part of the greatness of being an English major. Here are 10 things that are just different about English majors.
1. Everything is a metaphor.
I don't care if you are only brushing your teeth. You voraciously scrub your teeth in one last agonizing effort to erase the stains of your food choices and once again have pure, angelic teeth. The intense use of metaphors is pretty much self explanatory if you know an English major. If you don't, it's not hard to figure out what I mean.
2. We have severe separation anxiety with our pens.
I once left my pencil case in my room when I went to class.........
I'm NEVER making that mistake again. Even though I wasn't planning on using any of those pens, it was still a rough hour and a half until I could be reunited with them. This goes for highlighters too. I always have to have one with me, just in case. When you're an English major, you are so used to having a pen in your hand that it's almost like a sixth finger. Even when I'm sitting down watching TV, I still have to have a pen in my hand.
3. When a pen or highlighter dies, a part of your soul goes along with it.
This is an extension of the separation anxiety we English majors experience. I use my pens and highlighters until the absolute last drop of ink/whatever highlighters are made of is used up. It's a sad moment. That pen and I, we were a team. The pen grip was perfectly molded to the curves of my hand. Just last week I was in the library and my highlighter was dying. I used it until the very last moment of its life. Rest in Piece, Yellow One. You may be gone but the mark you made on my notes will forever highlight what I learned. Thank You.
4. Throwing out the corpse of a pen feels like a sin.
Clearly, English majors develop emotional attachments to their writing implements. When my pen has taken its last breath, its last drop of ink so delicately released from the ink well, I have a choice to make. *Cue sad music. Should I keep it in a collection of old, gone but not forgotten pens, or should I throw it away? I don't personally keep my dead pens, but some English majors do. Even so, the guilt I feel when I throw out a pen is intense. I trek over to the garbage can and I stand before the can of doom, take one final glimpse at my fallen friend, and gently toss his plastics corpse into the pit of the trash abyss.
5. We analyze everything... and I mean EVERYTHING.
If you tell us to listen to a new song, we will report back to you a graduate-level thesis supported with both quotes from the lyrics as well as at least three interpretations by other people, as well as a reference to how the song compliments or contradictions modern culture, with an MLA works cited page. If you are just asking us how the weather is today, be prepared for symbolic interpretation of how the weather effected our day/mood at that moment, as well as a vivid description of the weather with particular emphasize of poetic devices.
6. We will answer your questions, but make sure you have A LOT of spare time when you ask them.
Whether you want us to or not, if you ask us a literary question, you will sit there for an hour, hearing every possible explanation for whatever the question was. Plot question? No problem! Expect a full plot summary described in both literal and abstract reasoning. Need help writing a paper? We will give you tons of topic suggestions with a plethora of possible examples to go along with each topic. Then, expect a full proof reading session where we scrutinize each detail with a precision unmatched by even the world's greatest sharpshooter, and we question your logic, even if it is sound. We will do this, all while taking approximately 3.7 breaths.
7. We have a zen; don't mess with it.
If you can see that I am writing, don't disturb me unless it is essential. It doesn't matter if I am writing a paper for a class, a journal, a narrative, or if I am creative writing. Please don't disrupt my thought process. Literary inspiration can occur at any moment, it is Divine in that manner; we may see something that inspires us, and if we don't write it down, we will lose that thought. I could see a flower that inspires me at 12pm, but if I hadn't walked past that spot at that precise moment, that inspiration may never have come. Ideas are lightning; they flash once and then disappear to be forgotten. Another bolt may flash, but it will never be exactly the same as the one before it. (I told you that us English people like our metaphors!)
8. We carry around something to record ideas.
As I mentioned, epiphanies can infiltrate our brain at any moment, throwing us into a creative frenzy. Prompts torrent through our minds like flash floods; they consume us until we have a chance to write them down and sort through all of the ricocheting thoughts that ping-pong around our brains faster than light travelling from a distant star. We have to carry around something to record our ideas. In today's age, most of us have cell phones are some type of similar device to carry around. That makes this easier, because we simply type our ideas into our phones. Sometimes, English fanatics carry around journals, average size or mini, to record thoughts.
9. We have trouble reading on computer screens.
This varies, but for me, I'd rather have a hard copy. If I'm reading an online story or news article, obviously then I'm not going to print it out. There are exceptions. But overall, I would much rather hold the book, poem, article, short story-whatever it is I'm reading-in my hands. Doing that is scientifically proven to increase reading comprehension and memory. Also, it creates a more emotional connection with the characters or the ideas presented within the text. Most people like a good story, but English fanatics get much more involved in the plot because of our desire to analyze. If I'm reading a good story, I will get captivated by the words to the point that I will have no recollection of anything that happened around me other than what I read. Plus, by reading hard copies, you don't have to worry about the battery dying, only about the light in the room fading into darkness, because if it's dark, you can't see the pages, and if you can't see the pages you can't read, and that just makes life sad.
10. English majors are philosophers.
We dig into texts and cultural influences, as well as rules and beliefs of societies at the time a given text was written. The depth to which we seek knowledge is immense. We use literature to present and discuss cultural issues that are otherwise sensitive topics in modern culture. We hypothesize the meaning of life and turn inward to our beings as we seek answers to the unanswerable questions that persistently plague our minds; who are we? What are we? Why are we?
The numberless quirks of English majors make us an interesting bunch to interact with. Nonetheless, we invite you to come and talk to us, take an English class. We invite you to be a part of our little realm that we are proud to call "home". After all, what is home? Where is it? Is it a person, place, object, idea? Is it physical, metaphorical, or spiritual? As an English major, I feel like it's my responsibility to tell you. But I've kept you long enough for one day. Contemplate that question, and let me know what you think!
