In college, it's hard to have a relationship that isn't long distance, at least, some of the time. While you and your partner move around between home, school, various job or internship opportunities, and even study abroad programs, it's unlikely that you'll always be in the same place.
To get an idea of what these long distance relationships are like in college, I talked to 12 college students about their experiences in long distance relationships. This is what they had to say.
Their experiences:
Bailey: We had to learn how to really exist without the other around all of the time. I don't think it really changed the physical relationship, but changed us as individuals. We had to really get comfortable with ourselves as individuals because we couldn't simply escape to see the other when we were feeling down or just wanted some loving. So, after being long distance for two years, we've really developed into our own person. Now that he and I are actually in the same place, we are definitely noticeably more independent, but in a married kind of way, I suppose? We can do our own thing and always know that the other will be there, and I think distance was the ultimate test for that.
Claire: Although we've been dating for a year and a half, we don't really know what it's like to be together in the same city. Because the time we do get together is so valuable, we're never bored, but it lacks a sense of normalcy. I wouldn't quite say that we're stuck in the "honeymoon stage" because that was never really us, but we try just as hard to please each other as we did at the beginning of the relationship. I'm hope that practicing that care and attentiveness (for a longer period of time than in a typical relationship) will help in the long run, but it could just as well be that when we're finally together we relax and start to take each other for granted… Long distance seems like a huge risk, but at least for me, it's a risk worth taking. When you find someone who is worth going to (literal) great lengths to see, someone with whom you want to make long term plans without any guarantees they'll be possible, and someone who's companionship you value more than anyone's in your own zip code, it's gotta be worth it to wait.
David: The girl I thought i wanted to marry when i was at home just kind of became a burden to communicate with when we went to college. We went from being the most important people in each others’ lives to just stressing each other out. I realized communication is very hard and communication is very important so if the person is not worth the communication you'll find out eventually.Patrick: Remaining long distance for so long has changed the way I see communication; it is a necessity to talk about what might otherwise seem trivial-- what I had for breakfast, what I did today, etc. My texts to [her] have become sort of a journal that I keep for myself.
Anonymous: Long distance really puts your relationship on unsteady grounds, if only because the physical part of any relationship is so integral. But if you really care about that person, I don’t think that long distance needs to be the end of your relationship. In fact, it could be an opportunity to understand your partner in ways that can get clouded by the physical aspect. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being idealistic, but that definitely sounds nice, anyway.
Sarah: I think the only thing that held us together was the fact that the connection we had was very strong and real and special to both of us and neither of us really wanted to let that go, I think [he] was especially conflicted about the risk of losing that connection, but the reality was that we weren't really able to translate the good things about our in person relationship into long distance so it was really sort of an extended waiting room situation and neither of us were really that happy..It's a weird situation where your committed enough to be miserable but not committed enough to do move because how can you give up your life and pursuits where you are and how can you ask the other person to do that? I think that's what surprised me most, how glaringly thick the line between those two levels of commitment is”
Anonymous: I really have to make an effort to chunk out portions of my day where I connect with [him]. Like replacing these organic moments where we just used to be together with structured times to connect was weird at first but a habit I'm cultivating… speaking to him always feels like home— kind of like how when you talk to a family member instantly surrounds you with this sense of comfort… What makes it worth it is that I feel like the luckiest person ever to even identify myself in relationship to [him]— and when something is that good you're going to work hard for it.
Laura: Communication is key. I am sure the age of romantic letter writing was wonderful, but I am very thankful for FaceTime in this current stage of my life. It's important to be able to see her face and hear her voice no matter how far apart we might be… One of my favorite things we've done is keeping journals for each other. When we first started dating, she was studying abroad in London, and she kept a journal for me of all her travels and adventures. She taped plane tickets, restaurant receipts, and postcards into it. When she got back, and I read the entire thing cover to cover, I totally felt closer to her, like I knew almost every detail I might have missed in a long distance viber call. Now that I'm on a national tour, I'm doing the same thing for her, and whenever I come back on a break she reads what I've written.
Jude: My relationship is a little different than most as I am happily engaged but having something like that that the two halves of the relationship can work towards is very important and makes for a good incentive. Knowing that once the ordeal of college and long distance is over I'll have my Fiancée for the rest of my life is amazing and comforting and makes everything we've gone through and will go through worth it. If you don't love the person you're in a long distance relationship with, it's not gonna work out but it should be something you discuss… If you truly love them and they make you happy and they are your everything, then nothing is gonna get in the way of even a long distance relationship.
Emerson: I'm most and least surprised by the same thing. Love is tough. It's resilient and very real. If your relationship works, it just kind of does. Things happen and you're in love with a person despite or as a result of them happening… It's really hard to feel like every conversation becomes, to an extent, a catchup session. All you have is communication, don't forget that. Don't shirk it. Your words are your best friends.
Sean: I think what helped with us is that we were pretty close friends beforehand, so starting this right before summer break was hard, but not too terrible. Pretty unique. But it has its ups and downs. We had talked and we knew it was shit timing (summer break followed by me going abroad, he doesn't have his license, I was at school all summer, etc.), but we both don't regret it at all. It really makes seeing each so much more special and important. And we are both pretty social media savvy, so for me I felt I could say some things to him easier through text then face-to-face. Like our first "I love you's" were through text (how bad, right?) but it still felt so true and monumental even if through text. So to make it work, you really need to have that strong connection for each other. And be ok that communication can get kind of spotty, but just knowing that there is this person who is always thinking of you is great.
Julia: One thing we’ve noticed is that we feel this pressure when he visits for a weekend. Usually it’s about every two weeks now that I’m in New York. We feel like it has to be perfect, we have to be doing something, etc. but really it’s nice to just sleep in and make breakfast and not put pressure on our time together. He’s my best friend whether we’re together or not. We’re always connected and communicating… Sometimes we’ll start our days with a phone call while he drives to the train, and I make breakfast, etc. It’s nice to hear his voice every morning. We don’t have new things to say, we usually talk so often there isn’t anything to catch up on, but we just chat and get ready for our days.
And some advice:
Anonymous: be as transparent you can be with your parters and let them know you love them as often as you can. it's like being in a relationship with a limp or something. You have to tend to it extra carefully because its so easy for things to get misinterpreted through technology.
Claire: Don't let the fear of what they're doing or what will happen when you're finally together consume you. Embrace the uncertainty and opportunity for adventure. Long distance is love without security. However, to combat the insecurity a bit, do make long term plans. At least know when you'll next see each other. You need to be certain of something.”
Jude: Having been in a long distance relationship for 3 1/2 years, I have learned a lot about relationships and what it means and what it takes to be in one. Perhaps of the most important things is to set goals or checkpoints for the relationship like spending a break together or spending a summer together. Having those things to look forward to rather than saying, "oh in X years, we'll finally be together but for now we're apart so that sucks" or something of the sort.
Bailey: You need to respect the fact that they have a life outside of you. Again, being in a long-distance relationship is about developing yourSELF, and that means the other person gets space to grow, too.
