“It’s cancer.”
The words rang in my ear. There were words after that, but I didn't hear much after that.
"Take a minute to think," the doctor tells me.
The timer starts.
:60, :59, :58...
My life doesn't even have a chance to flash before my eyes.
I sit there in limbo. I should ask what my options are. I should ask what my survival chances are... but I can’t think about anything. My limbs go numb; the upside is the pain in my stomach goes numb as well.
I travel back to when I was a child. Being the daughter of a farmer wasn't easy. I had to drop out of the sixth grade to help out on the farm. Experience became my harshest teacher.
I’ve lived through abuse — domestic and other. I've lived through protests — individual and national. I’ve lived 88 years worth of hardship, struggle, and pain.
:45, :44...
"No! Stop!" I yell.
The doctor just told me I have cancer for Christ's sake! Poor young man, talking to me as if I'm listening. I'm probably just another old woman to him. Probably thinks I'm senile.
Why do I think so negatively? Why must I insist on over-analyzing and highlighting the negative? I’ve always been like that, couldn't tell you why. An old dog cannot be taught new tricks.
My mother always said, “Don’t get your hopes up. Stay on alert for those who will do you wrong.” Would it have killed her to say, “What is the goddamn positive to this situation? What could I learn from those who have done me wrong?”
It's worth a try. I’m starting now, after all, I only have…what…32 days 12 hours 35 minutes and 29 seconds to live?
:28, :27, :26 ...
I’ve always been good at math. My father would say, “You have until the sun sets to seed the fields.”
“OK...12:25, I have until 6:00. That's 5 hours 35 minutes 20 seconds. Let's finish”
Very surprising I found love, how measured I was with time and risk. I did find love…right? Yea, I’ve been married for 65 years to the man of my dreams. At least, he is now. Wasn’t that way when we were growing older. What I get for marrying the boy from Jersey City.
:20, :19...
He is the man of my dreams. He is. We made it work. Three daughters later. Look what we have created. Those daughters had children, who now are having children of their own… who now are getting old enough to start families. Wow. Did I really think I would survive to see my great-great-grandchildren?
:12, :11, :10, :09...
My Jersey City Boy is crying in the corner. Of course, he isn't a boy no more. He's an old man. A man who carries a handkerchief in his sleeve. A man with Emphysema after all those years of smoking. His lungs are bad, he should be outside getting some fresh air.
Who is going to take care of him when I'm gone? We were supposed to die together! Now he is going to be lost without me. Who is going to make his spaghetti? Cook him peppers and eggs? Who's going to make sure he doesn't forget to light the Kerosene heater during the winter?
No one! Goddammit, no one! How dare Fate not keep up its end in that deal! That man is going to die from a broken heart. The first tear rolls down my cheek.
:08, :07...
My three daughters crying in the other corner. Trying to ask the doctor questions, but constantly interrupted by their sobs. Their mother receiving a death notice. They should be with their families. Oh God, how are they going to react? My great grandsons, I made it so close to seeing their wedding days. So painfully close. Please, just one more year. That's all I ask. Another year.
:06, :05...
My expiration date just released. No good can come of this.
:04, :03...
Only a matter of time. What is the goddamn silver-lining in this situation?
:02...
My mother was right. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up for a long life.
:01.
No. She wasn’t right.
“What are my options? I’ll do anything.”
00:60, 00:59...
