How To Prepare for your Father's Funeral
Step 1:
Do not believe it until you see the body;
cold and white, under flicking church lights.
Do not touch the body,
do not think about the unbeating heart,
do not look at the shoulders you
used to sit on after long days at the zoo.
Do not say goodbye, even if it feels right.
Never say goodbye.
Step 2:
Let your mother dress you.
She knows that your innocence
has been ripped from your core,
but the two of you will never speak of it.
It will hang in the air on the car ride
to the church; it will follow you around
as you grow up too quickly.
If the black dress she picks
for you are itchy, wear it.
You will be uncomfortable either way.
Step 3:
Do not cry in front of blood-related strangers.
It will make them feel awkward,
because they will not weep,
even if they see your pain.
Remember to ask about him.
Ask for pictures, for memories,
for stories, they thought they forgot.
Ask them to show you who he was,
because you will never get the chance to learn.
Step 4:
Do not think about your wedding day,
about the vacant spot next to you
on your way down the aisle.
Do not wonder what song
you would've danced to,
or if someone will stand in his place.
Do not decide then and there
to never get married.
He would want you to change your mind.
Step 5:
Keep your voice quiet,
keep your eyes down,
say please, say thank you,
mind your manners.
Let yourself become rigid,
stand at attention in front of the casket.
Ignore everything telling you to run.
Do not tell God that this isn't fair;
He is not listening.