Alright, just relax, everything is fine. Hey, it happens to everyone eventually, or so I’ve heard. I’ve never known anyone who has, but I read it somewhere once, I think. But it’s okay, let’s try and figure this out together.
1. Do a quick check and see if any sound is actually coming out of your mouth when you try to speak. If you’ve got something to say, for the love of God, say it.
Okay, are we good? Was it a bunch of gibberish? If so, go listen to 2001’s Chronic, take two tokes, and call me in the morning. If not, move on to step two.
2. Check what you’ve got in your pockets.
It sounds bizarre, but I need to know what is in your pockets right now. If you don’t have cheese, deals, G’s, wheels, keys, boats, snowmobiles, or skis you need to stop reading right now and go to the hospital-- your condition is far too advanced for me to help you here. Otherwise, move right on to step three.
3. Can you remember who taught you to smoke trees or brought you the oldies?
Legality aside, think back to the first time you imbibed that sweet, sweet reefer. Do you have recollection of who taught you how to rip? And who bought you your first album when you were a kid? Are they the same person who taught you how to get high? If you can’t remember, you’re terminal and it’s basically game over for you. If you can, go right to step four.
4. Have you recently engaged in oral copulation with a man?
I know it’s a deeply personal question, but I need to know if you’ve recently performed oral sex on a man-- namely the man that you may or may not have forgotten about. At this point, if you can’t remember then you’ve reached a stage that is, frankly, apocalyptic.
If you’ve gotten this far, congratulations-- you haven’t forgotten about Dre! Matter of fact, you remember him quite well, as far as I can tell. Now go out there and stroll through your hood, maybe with a can full of gas and a hand full of matches- you’ve earned it, champ.