Whenever I tell people I’m going to New York to study musical theater, on a campus both within and without the city itself, I get some mixed replies. They tend to be one of the following:
A) “Oh…uh, interesting.” [insert a surprised/confused/concerned face here]
B) “What? Wow! That’s so exciting and/or cool! No one ever does that!”
C) “Ooh…that’s a lot different from here. Make sure you’re careful!”
Or D) “Oh my goodness! You’re so brave for doing that!”
There are very few other responses that are given to me. I say a variety of answers to these, but my internalized ones are usually the same. Those are:
A) “The arts are important, friends—who create your music, movies, and books? Also, what’s that judgment for?”
B) “Thank you! I mean, there are quite a few people that do, but, still, thank you!”
C) “Really? No. I thought Nebraska and New York City were the same!” (Clearly, this is drenched with sarcastic wit.)
For D, though, my answer is far more complicated than one or two sentences. My external reply is always, “Well, thank you! I’m so excited!”, but my internal thought process is ten times more complex. I am incredibly excited—don’t get me wrong—but the word “brave” is the thing I’m feeling the least. It’s nonexistent. I don’t think that bravery is a noun that should be applied to me.
The truth is that, in spite of my immense excitement to go to this amazing program, I’m scared. I am quite scared, actually. It’s a complete lifestyle shift from everything I’ve ever known; this new place I’ll be living and studying in is nearly the polar opposite of where I grew up. I have to master the art of public transportation. I need to grow ever more independent. I won’t be able to visit my family every weekend, as some of my friends get to. I’m leaving my irreplaceable best friends behind to venture into crowds of new ones. And, of course, I’ll become a college student, which is something that everyone takes the time to adapt to. All of that combined is a little bit terrifying.
However, I recently saw a quote posted online (can you tell I’m a quote nerd?), one that really spoke to this situation: “Doesn’t being scared let you know you’re onto something important?” That was it. Just a single rhetorical question. From that, I realized something. I understood that when you are scared to death about the adventure you’re about to jump into, that means that it’s significant. It means that you care about it, that you’re passionate about and love what you’re doing. Being scared is being sure. Does that seem like a complete oxymoron? Well, yeah. But that’s what all of life is. Real bravery is being terrified and still going through with what you’re driven to do. That’s where the courage comes in: it’s not at all the absence of fear, and never will be.
So, I’ve been reminding myself of that. Every time the nerves start to overwhelm the excitement, I tell myself that it’s because I care about it. And I do. I’m so excited to be studying and growing in something that I love and am passionate about. I’ll be in the greatest city in the world, in one of the greatest programs in the country.
For the concerns, I just need to be optimistic. I’m an urbanite—I get my energy from cities!—and every time I’ve been to NY, I’ve worked the transportation systems almost perfectly (don’t comment on the “almost,” please…it was one time!). I’m already an independent person; I’ll get used to the new normal. I can adapt to being far from my family, though I’ve accepted the first week or so will be difficult. I’ll be going to school with fantastic people and great instructors, and I know that my circle of friends will just grow. And everybody figures out how to college. I know these, and I try to remind myself of them.
I’ll never profess to being brave. In fact, I still don’t think I qualify as brave. But I am so ready for this next step in life, this next adventure, to begin. I’m so excited and so nervous…but that’s where we find our courage. I can’t wait to see where it takes me.
