My fellow Americans, I have urgent news that the rest of the world has known forever. That's right, we're pooping wrong, and the rest of the world is laughing at us for that sole reason. Well I refuse to allow our country to be the subject of ridicule. Today I'm going to succeed where your parents failed and teach you how to poop properly.

I bet you're pretty confused right now. "Of course I know how to poop. You sit on the toilet, do it, then wipe away the rubble, flush the toilet, and wash your hands." Ah, the ignorance of sitters. I was like you once. So set in my ways, holding on to tradition because any sort of new method was an attack on my culture. We need to be more open-minded and accepting of other people's ways. We can only benefit from learning about and sharing samples of other country's traditions to soften tensions and make diplomacy more smooth and less painful. I should probably stop preaching and get to the big secret. It's not healthy to hold these things in. Allow me to unclog your brain with the one way to modify your form to improve colon-ization, a term I've been using that refers to the healing of the colon.

Instead of sitting on the toilet with your legs around a 90-degree angle, try using a small stool to prop your feet up, and prepare for the biggest stool of your life. That's it. Just take your legs and lift them higher to create a squat pose rather than a regular seated position, like this.

This arguably graphic image can be attributed to the Squatty Potty, a product that seeks to popularize this irregular stance to improve regularity. Supposedly, sitting at the 90-degree angle causes a certain muscle in the large intestine to become a little clinched, making it more difficult for waste to escape without strain or discomfort. The 35-degree angle apparently releases the grasp on the colon, making for a quick departure. This form is unfamiliar to many Americans, but other countries have been pooping this way for ages. Squat toilets can be found commonly in many countries spanning all of Asia, such as Japan, India and Turkey. This website provides an extensive look at toilets, and provides a visual representation of some toilets from around certain parts of the world. Also as a bonus, there's not that many ads!

Now before you accuse me of treason, please first consider what I've said and try it. I understand if you're scared because the word "squat" can imply exercise. Trust me, you'll still be seated and immobile, and the only thing that will be moving is your digestive tract. I would never discourage America's favorite pastime of sitting. I'm not like those commies telling Colin Kaepernick to stand up. I genuinely just want what's best for you and your bowels so we can put our country's embarrassing history of poop illiteracy even further behind us.

I don't think a Squatty Potty is necessary to achieve cool runnings, but it's a structure that's been specifically designed for the purpose of making brown, so it's convenient and performs it's one function quite well. I have one, and it was the greatest Christmas ever when I decked the stalls. I'm capable of pooping without it, but it is a luxury for me to fully unleash everything I had on my plate in one sitting. I'm not saying you need to go out and buy this product. They're not paying me to write this, and neither is the Odyssey. In fact, they'd probably pay me to leave! Hyuck, hyuck, that's a joke. Perhaps you could use any stool or object closer to the floor to get your legs up. If you're real cool/desperate and constipated, you can pull your legs into your chest and balance on the toilet like the easy, breezy hover girl that you are. Risky and uncomfortable, but effective.

I wouldn't be impartial if I didn't explain the potential cons of squatting. Some of you may cherish your time on the toilet, as your reign on the throne might be the one of the few times you can relax with nobody bothering you. Your release is your release, I get that. The toilet is a great place to catch up on emails, read a book or newspaper, engage in a moment of silence or just sit and think about what you've done. The record-breaking speeds that come with squatting would ruin the long and arduous nature of the ritual bathroom break. If you're constantly busy or stressed out and you look forward to your behind-time, you have a valid reason to abstain from squatting. However, if you think it's too silly or taboo, you need to grow up. Unlike this method of pooping, the truth hurts. This is the right way to poop, for me at least. If you don't want to squat because you're a xenophobe, you're also a fool. Everybody poops, and it smells like crap no matter which hemisphere you're on.

In conclusion, I suggest you try answering nature's call at a 35-degree angle the next opportunity you get. If you don't have any problems going, it's probably not crucial that you change your ways. There's no need to fix something that isn't broken. However, if you're like me and could use a boost every now and then, try squatting. I know you might not talk about it in public, but I know some of you have bowel issues. I've seen the statistics on the commercials. I feel your pain, and this information might help you the way it helped me. I've been scoring straight 4s on the BSC for months. The time for uncomfortable bowels is over, the time to address our problem is now. We can finally catch up with the rest of the world. Let's make America great again.