“This shirt is too tight on me. You can see all of my rolls. God, I’m just so fat.”

I caught myself saying this the other day in front of my little sister, and I thought of just how awful of a role model I was being.

My sister is three years younger than me, looks just likes me, and listens to everything I say. I know I would hate to hear her say something so mean about herself, but I just couldn’t help myself from picking my body apart right in front of her. It’s something I do all the time in my head, but I never meant to say it out loud.

I have never been happy with the way I looked. With each year came a different flaw. I would find and something else wrong and attempt to fix it. One year it would be my flat chest, the next it would be my acne and the next my weight. But instead of solving one problem, they’d just all build up into a ball of self-esteem issues.

When I look back at pictures, even when I remember being extremely self-conscious at the time they were taken, I don't see anything wrong with me . This just shows how much I got in my own head, telling myself I wasn’t pretty enough or I wasn’t good enough. It also proves that nothing was actually wrong with me.

I have been struggling with trying to learn how to be happy with my appearance for a long time, and I am just now coming to terms with it. It’s not something that will be easy in any way, but it’s something I want to do, not only for myself but for my little sister who I know mirrors me.

Now, instead of trying to lose weight to look good by limiting what I eat and working out for hours and hours, I focus on adding healthier foods to my diet and working out to get stronger instead. I am by no means “skinny,” but I am actually happy with the curves I have. I am stronger than I have ever been, and nobody can make me feel bad for that.

While I still get occasional negative thoughts about my appearance, I am much happier with who I am and I am much more comfortable living in the moment instead of worrying about what I look like all the time.

This is something that will never be completely finished, but now I know I am at least taking steps in the right direction. I am choosing happy and healthy over stressed and skinny.