To Heather, the younger sister I don't know how to be a proper older sister to:

I love you.

I know it doesn't come across like that. I know I'm the mean older sister who doesn't know how to be an older sister, who lashes out and doesn't know how to comfort you when you're in trouble. I've been trying to work on it, and honestly I thought that once I got to college it would be easier. It isn't. College has made my life so much easier in so many respects, but it doesn't make it easier to be a better sister to you.

I'm so sorry.

I used to blame not knowing how to be a sister on Rachel, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I shouldn't be blaming anyone. It's my fault for never learning. I spent the most important years of our sisterhood missing the older sister that left us. I felt like I had been abandoned when she left home, but now I realize that by doing that, I was abandoning you.

Every year, I have this realization around your birthday or around Christmas: I have no idea what to get you. I should. I have no excuse for not knowing what you want, what you're interested in. I know some of the basics, like cats, Minecraft, drawing, and reading, but that isn't much.

That isn't enough.

This winter, let's buy a giant tub of ice cream and sit upstairs and watch something. You can pick the ice cream and what we watch, but I can veto.

We can talk about how your new high school is treating you, what your online and offline friends are like, what's going on in your love life, how college hunting is going, what you want to do with your life.

I can tell you about college, about how life will drastically change once you leave home, about what to expect when you go to college in a year and a half.

You're practically done with high school, and I was absent through all of that. Just like Rachel was absent until college.

I'm ashamed of myself for doing this to you. I wish I hadn't, but I'm going to try to make it right now. Call me if you need someone to talk to. Text me if you find a funny meme. I'm hoping to get Minecraft soon, so if you're willing, I'll commission a Minecraft skin from you. If you haven't had any commissions, I'll happily be your guinea pig to figure out how you want to do it. I'll help you figure things out.

I know I can't go back, but I'm going to make sure I don't have this regret again.

From now on, I'll do my best to be the older sister you deserve.