To say I didn’t love myself would be the biggest understatement I can imagine. I actively hated most things about myself, things that I had once found charming or fun, I wanted to remove from my personality, from my being. And that is how I felt for most of my teenage years. I would get dressed in the morning and instead of picking an outfit that made me feel pretty, I would go through ten or fifteen just to find the one that made me feel the least ugly. At school I kept my headphones in and my head down, I knew the quickest way to each of my classes and I kept everything I needed for the entire day in my backpack because I couldn’t stand the thought of people seeing me.

Then, as a sophomore, I begged to do schooling through an online program, my parents agreed, so long as I stayed enrolled in band and choir at my towns public school. I agreed. The pattern of feeling ugly and being seen by the least amount of people stayed. I made no new friends during my freshman or sophomore years of high school and most days my biggest accomplishment was deciding to get out of bed. I stopped having emotion, I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling and I didn’t care how they felt.

Then, junior year happened, I made a few new friends and I realized that everyone didn’t hate me the way I hated myself. This set me up for a spiral of shame and self hatred. I began getting all of my validation from other people, when I didn’t have plans with my friends, I felt lower than low. A weekend alone was unbearable because being alone meant there was nothing to distract me from everything I hated about myself, it was an awful way to live.

Junior year was the year of my first boyfriend. Word of advice, don’t get a boyfriend when you hate yourself because it will end and you’ll be right back where you started.

Then my senior year came and I started to realize that I’m a pretty cool person. Senior year was good, it was fun, and then it ended. I still hadn’t learned how to really love myself.

So, after months of struggling in college, I decided to focus on myself. I took my counseling seriously, I started talking about the hard things with my friends, and I started being nice to my parents. I was pushed by the people in my life to start loving and living for me and I’ve noticed so many changes in myself.

When I’m alone, I don’t cry anymore.

I can be alone.

I can wear my hair natural and I don’t have to put on makeup.

I like dressing up on occasion now.

I don’t think about other people’s reaction to my outfits on the days I do dress up.

I expect the people in my life to respect me, to love me well, and to make time for me because I deserve it.

I don’t like everyone, so everyone doesn’t have to like me.

Having three great friends is so much better than have 30 okay friends.

My body is incredible, every curve, every part that isn’t set at societies standard of beauty.

Being afraid of losing someone is okay, because even if I lose them, I won't lose myself.

I can talk about the hard stuff.

I can love other people fully and I can love them with every ounce of my being.

I don’t have to get loved back.

I can be hurt by others and still love myself.

It’s okay if people see me.

I can smile.

Loving myself isn’t selfish.

I don’t love myself well everyday. Sometimes getting dressed still means finding the outfit I feel the least ugly in. But loving myself has become my new normal. Being happy has become my new normal. Having high expectations for the people I let into my life is okay. Not being treated like I’m disposable is okay.

I hated myself for years and as hard as that time was, every day I hated myself has just made loving myself that much sweeter.