Woken up after a tiring and late night. For a moment, I feel alright... and then the sinking feeling hits me again. Can I just lay in bed today? I know I can't. I already missed a whole day of school last week and pretended to have a fever. If I miss another whole day I will have a hard time catching up the rest of the entire semester.. plus I am already lost and struggling in two of my courses. If only I could sleep forever. No matter how much I sleep, I still feel exhausted. Every time I wake up, I wish my life could disappear. Class starts in thirty minutes. I throw a pair of fresh sweat pants on and put my hair in a bun... too exhausted to want to wear anything else... or care.

Here she is again - I don't even know why she bothers to come to class. She is late every single time. She looks like she has rolled out of bed. Whenever she is called on she does not know the answers. I get a glance of her test exam grades sometimes - and they are usually C's or D's at best. She just wants the answers - she does not work hard at all. When we have projects or homework, she will ask almost EVERYONE in the class to help her - just so she can sit there and pretend she needs help on the work... when really she is just lazy. It makes me laugh. When is she going to learn?

Invitation to the first big party of the semester. I can't wait to get done classes and enjoy an early start to the weekend. Classes have been brutal this week. It has been a challenge to pay attention in class, go to work, and then finish homework at night - I have been staying up into the hours of the morning almost every night... to accomplish little to nothing. I have been having trouble concentrating lately. Anyway, all my best friends are coming over tonight to pregame and get ready together. Even if I have not made the progress I would have liked, I worked hard and deserve to have a little fun tonight.

Little did she know, things would not go as planned. She becomes more intoxicated than her system can handle. It is 3 a.m. and she is disoriented. Her friends tell her they will take her home, but she ends up somewhere she is unfamiliar with - with unfamiliar people. She calls someone at school crying and begging for someone to pick her up. It is not long after she begins to vomit uncontrollably. Whatever she drank tonight was a concoction she should not have been so trusting of.... she suffers a hangover for the rest of the weekend. Her friends blame her for leaving them when all they wanted to do was have a little fun.

Marked in the calendar - today is dinner with mom. Nerves and excitement flutter in my stomach. We are going to my favorite restaurant in town. I have not seen my mom in a while. The relationship has been a bit rocky at times - to say the least. Maybe this invitation to dinner is a new start. Maybe things will be different this time. Maybe this is the mom I have been waiting for my whole life.

Seeing her mom brings a sense of sadness hard to identify. She almost feels guilty. Dinner is silent.. except for the awkward chatter about her mom's new boyfriend, about how the girl's little brother is struggling to handle the transition between two different homes, or about how the girl is not doing enough for her. She let her down. This can work. Things can be the way the girl always dreamed of. She knows it. She just needs to be patient and keep trying. She knows she can please her mom.

I have begun to form a little family at school. My roommates are my best friends. I have a support in various other organizations. I am finally so incredibly happy. It is starting to feel like home before mom left. I feel happy again... finally.

Christmas is here. The school family she has... will not last forever. They will all go home to their families - including the lonely girl. Christmas will bring back memories of heartbreak - the first year her mom left. She knows all these memories will come flooding back. The tears will come flooding in. Her school family will leave her just like her mom left. She knows it is inevitable as graduation slowly approaches. Sometimes this makes her really sad - even cry. She tries not to think about it.

I remember the first night I came on campus, I was so incredibly nervous. I was talking to this girl, practically my first friend here - about watching movies together - even Disney ones (my favorite). I started to feel a little less scared - that maybe moving away from home would be fun and exciting. That was a few years ago. I now see this intelligent, funny, and supportive, beautiful girl I call my best friend. She is my 'go-to' for everything. Romantic dinner dates. Girls night out. Heart to hearts. Adventures. Lots and lots of laughs. She is what I look forward to at the end of the day. I could spend every day and every second with her. I wish she could see the beauty I see in her and how much I love her.

She is sitting on a bench... and someone asks, "What's wrong? You have looked so sad these past few days..." She is shocked and tries to shake it off. Eventually, it becomes too much. She is crying at a fast food joint.. embarrassed.She says, "I'm gay and I am in love with my best friend."

It's my birthday. I want to feel excited, but for some reason, I don't. I am spending the day with two friends from school. The plan is to have dinner and go to the mall for a few hours. Later that night, some friends are going to come over.

She wakes up the next day. She is sick of crying. She wants it to stop. The pain is too much to bare. She gets up and goes to the kitchen... She grabs a knife and goes back to bed. She sits in bed. She holds her breath and makes the first cut into her skin. It hurts, but it's not enough. She presses harder the second time. She wants to feel all the pain. She wants to feel the physical pain she feels inside. She cries, "I'm not good enough." All her friends left her on her birthday.

You tell them, "I don't want to be here anymore." Someone begins to cry. The rest run away. You sit alone. You feel alone. You hear whispers to kill yourself. You hear whispers you are not good enough. You hear whispers you don't work hard enough. You hear whispers about being too emotional.

You tell them, "I am not OK." The room falls to silence. You see them talk. You see them whisper. You see them leave. Your best friend stands in front of you - with a new friend. They both drive off and leave you in the parking lot, crying. Someone asks, "are you okay?" This someone probably saved your life that night.

You sit in the bathroom and cry. Someone has to come get you. You call someone. The police show up. There is so much blood. Your dad shows up. He says, "you are coming home tonight."

You are on medication now. You still go out and party sometimes. Your friends tell you to drink and mix the medication. You try it. It makes you a little foggier than you'd like.All of a sudden the tears come. You find yourself at your apartment. And you can't breathe. You can't do it. You call your best friend from home - but can't form words because you are choking. Someone hands you water.

People continue to talk. People say you deserve the pain. People say you are crazy. People leave you. Friends come up to you and put you down. They tell you to stop being mean. One by one all your friends leave. There are more knives and cries. There are more long sleeve shirts. There are more band-aids. Dad asks, "Did you eat today?" Somehow you have lost ten pounds within a few days.

Then one day, the breakdowns are enough. The breakdowns are too much. You can't stand making friends stay up with you all night because you lost all trust for yourself. You can't stand the mystery of what will make you burst into tears and plan to end your life. You can't stand making the ones you love cry. You hate it all.

I decided to get help. I decided to keep on living.

You don't know until you walk in someone's shoes. The way someone looked at you? Maybe they are having a bad day. Someone appears as a flake recently? Maybe they are overwhelmed. Someone appears emotional? They are probably not okay right now.

Let's stop making assumptions. This dialogue was created to open perspective. Everything is about perspective. From the way you live your life to the way others view the way you live your life. The personal accounts provided could appear a completely different way to an outsider - or someone ignorant to what is going on.

If you had trouble understanding the dialogue, throughout the essay, the first paragraph is in first person - a personal account, while the italicized paragraph was either an outsider's view or factual explanation to what was happening in the situation... until we get towards the end - where facts and personal perspective become intertwined.

If you don't know the warning signs, it is hard to know when someone is struggling. If we strive to be helpful, kind, and non-judgmental to our surroundings, we have a much better chance of understanding or identifying signs that somebody we love could be struggling.. and even planning suicide. If someone's behavior is "not like themselves", there is a good chance something bad is going on deep down inside. Nobody loses when love is put first. Nobody dies when we listen instead of judge.

You don't know until you walk in their shoes.