Here’s the interesting thing about mental illnesses: one in four people have them, but everyone has some sort of connection to one. Whether it be a parent with depression, a friend with anxiety, or a sibling with OCD, our loved ones may be fighting battles undetectable to us. The last thing people want is to feel belittled or to have their struggles undermined. When someone you care about opens up to you about a mental illness, listen. I asked some people to tell me what they hear the most often when they tell people of their condition/s. For the love of all that is holy, avoid saying these narrow-minded phrases that almost anyone battling a mental illness has heard.
1. “But you don’t look sick…” —Tory Cross, 22, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health
If this is your first response to someone with a mental illness, I can guarantee that you have discouraged him/her from ever reaching out to you again. Not every mental illness automatically impairs a person’s physical appearance. In fact, more than 125 million Americans have a chronic condition that is invisible to onlookers. That’s what makes living with an invisible illness so challenging—if we’re having a hard time coping, the only option is to tell someone. Most of us have gotten extremely skilled at “appearing” to be fine because people usually aren’t receptive to the idea that we are struggling. Remember that.
2. “You’re kind of draining…” — Ashley Holloway, 23, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign alum
Oh, trust me. We know that we're draining. You should try spending a day in our heads. I think I can speak for the majority of people with mental illnesses when I say that we completely understand it may be difficult to keep up with us. You can't expect to be much support if you're stuck reminding us of what we are/are not. That just interrupts our progress and makes us hyperaware of living with a mental illness.
3. “Have you ever tried meditation/aromatherapy/long baths/something else instead of medications? I just don't think it's healthy putting all those chemicals into your body…” —Victoria Norman, 21, University of Chicago
For people with certain mental illnesses, "clearing your head" isn't really an option. It's easy to voice displeasure for medicine until you've found one that works for you. Look at it like this: medicine is the main course of the meal. Other things like massages and aromatherapy are dessert. You can't expect to get full off of dessert, just like someone with a mental illness can't expect to get real results from getting needles stuck in their back.
4. "Oh, I totally understand! I have that, too!" — Andrew Shankland, 21, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign
Just because you like your room a certain way doesn't mean that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. Just because you're anxious about a test doesn't mean that you have anxiety disorder. I am sincerely jealous that those examples are the closest things some people will ever have to experiencing a mental illness. People often want to relate to one another, but sometimes you may just not understand where we're coming from. Again, I'm jealous. There is nothing wrong with never experiencing certain things. If you really want to help, ask if there is something you can do. Or just be quiet and listen.
It is truly amazing to find the people who acknowledge your struggles and, instead of downgrading them, stand by your side as you suit up and enter battle every day. It's not easy, but I can guarantee you that the fight is worth it. Find your soldiers.
