“You guys never dated, though. How do you know you love him?” That is a question I get asked almost on a daily basis by my friends. They think that because we were never in an “actual relationship” I don’t get to love him or say that I do. But they don’t see him or my feelings through my eyes. It’s very easy to fall in love with someone you’re not dating. I fell in love with this boy because I was around him a lot. We worked together, we had common interests, he made me smile and laugh. He sang with me to my favorite songs, danced horribly with a broom and listened to me rant or asked about my day or what’s wrong when I was sad. We were weird together, we’d distract each other from what we were supposed to be doing at work, we’d get yelled at for certain things. It was fun being around him; every moment I was with him, I tried not to take it for granted.
He challenged me, and I loved it. I enjoyed fighting with him. We could fight one minute and be laughing two seconds later. It was the easiness with him that I loved, too. The way I could be myself and feel like I was enough. Sure, when he talked to other girls I did question myself and compared myself to them. And, God, I hated them. They could’ve been perfectly lovely girls, but the fact they were talking or hanging with him made me hate them and him. But then he walked into the room, and I’d forget all about those other girls he talked to. I flirted with him, and he ate it up, flirting right back with me and liking the attention I gave him. He knew he was never going to date me, and deep down I think I did, too. But it was certain actions he made that gave me hope. Hope that he secretly wanted me, too, and saying that we worked together was just a cover. Hope that maybe I wasn’t just crazy and he did like me as much as I liked him. It was a special feeling that I felt with him, that made me excited, happy, calm, all these emotions that I’ve never felt with anyone else. It was something I’ve never felt before, and it scared me, but I loved it. He made me a better person all around, I honestly believe. It was also the little things, like remembering certain things I said or specific events that happened in my life that he was there for me, that showed that he cared. Or I thought he cared. In my eyes, he was the greatest guy, and I was in love with him, simple as that.
As much as I want to go more into the reasons why I felt the way I did, I won’t because I don’t want to waste your time on the story of us. Long story short, we didn’t end up together. He got what he wanted from me, moved away, and I haven’t heard from him since. I wrote him a letter and told him exactly how I felt, but I blocked him on everything before I could get a response. I knew I’d get rejected, and I tried to save myself some heartbreak of a response. He played me; he played me well, and I honestly don’t think that was his intention. It was an odd situation that I wished would’ve been handled differently, but it wasn't, and that’s fine. I don’t want people to hate him because of what he did, and I wish I did. But I don’t because I love/loved him. I know we’ll probably never talk again, but If he wants to speak to me again, cool; he knows where I am. But if not, life goes on. I’ve had so many people have their opinions of him when it comes to how I feel, but I don’t care. I'll still always feel that way about him. I met him for a reason, and I want to find out what that reason is. Whether it’s inspiration to write an article that other girls can relate to or something bigger than that, I’ll find out sooner or later.
Another question I get asked a lot is, “How can you still love him or like him after he treated you that way?” I answer very easily. Yes, the situation didn’t turn out the way I wanted, but it doesn’t mean I just want to forget him. I believe some people will always have a place in your heart, despite how others feel about them or what they’ve done to you. Yes, I love him. But as of now, I’m not in love with him. Not like I thought I was a couple of years ago. It’s been too long since I’ve seen him or been with him. People change; I know I have. I’m ready to move on and meet someone new, someone who’ll treat me right. And I think if I loved him as much as I think I do, I can’t wait for someone who’ll love me back the way I loved him. But the point is this: You can easily fall in love with someone you’re not dating. So don’t tell me I didn’t love him because you have no idea how I felt.
