You are not the first person I loved. But, you. Yes, you are the first person I truly love.
If I could give anything in the world it would be to take somethings back or re-do things. I would not have given my first love a chance. Knowing what I know now I would have said no to him back in high school because I could sit back and breathe until I ran into you. By you, I mean the right person. The person who would not take me and shake me into a jumbled mess. Because that’s love right? No! I learned. But, then I have to step back and think that if I found you sooner we wouldn’t be as good as we are now. I needed the time to get hurt. I needed to love the wrong person before I could love the right one. You. Yes, you.
There were times in school where I never thought I could get a boyfriend or that I was too corky for someone to love me more than as a friend. Fortunately, but soon to be unfortunately, I got a boyfriend. The term was not all it was worked up to be. If I could go back and turn that yes into a no. I would. I would have taken high school and done it by myself. All by myself. Unfortunately, but fortunately, It was on and off and the off was worse than the on but then the on was not much better than being alone. On and off. On and off. On again and off again. Just like a light switch. Hot and cold. What kind of relationship was this? Trick question. It wasn’t a relationship. It wasn’t real, it was a made up fantasy that we both thought was going to work because it was “real.” When all it was, was delusion.
Yes, I had to cry in bathrooms alone without anyone knowing. I covered my head under my sheets at night to cover the sound of me crying. I screamed at my mom about how this isn’t fair. I had to give up a lot of myself to satisfy him. I had to get yelled at about how stupid I was and how being a princess isn’t how he was going to treat me. I mean really? You want to yell at me because you thought I wanted you to open my car door. You want to get mad at me when I was upset because prom was not the time to tell her she was beautiful in front of me when you didn’t even compliment my earrings (that happen to be your grandmas.) You want to get mad at me when I want to write about my feelings and actually do. You want to put me down further than your father did that day at the baseball field because that’s what you thought a relationship was like. You may have been my first “love.” But, was it even love if I put it in quotations?
You. Yes, you. You are the first person I truly love. I couldn’t be luckily, happier or more grateful for you. You completely turned my life around in the best possible ways. Not just one way but a multitude of ways. You show me how much you care by holding my hand in public and smiling at me from across the street. The way you try to lift me up into the Dirty Dancing lift and the way you are not afraid to cry or show me how you are feeling. The way you make me food and the way you run to get me food when I am sick. How you still make me excited to see you every day. I could see you for days and miss you seconds before you even leave. You truly love me. I can tell because you subconsciously hold me hand in your sleep and make sure to smile and kiss my cheek when I steal all the covers. I can tell you truly love me because when I was upset you ran to my apartment and made sure our relationship was okay because you truly care and truly love me.
I wish I could have given you my first, “I love you.” Because you deserve it. But, I was selfish and wasted it. But, the important thing here is. You may not have been my first love but you are the first person I truly love.