I hate my body. There, I said it. I cannot remember the last time I looked in the mirror and told myself "hey, you're beautiful" because the words simply cannot come out.
There are so many people I know that face so many forms of body image issues. From stepping on a scale to grabbing whatever you can in front of a mirror, this is a real problem that so many of us face because, let's face it, the skinny person has won from the beginning and its a trend that is just starting to go away. Although it may be spoken about and people promote body love, it becomes quite easy to shut all of that out.
Take it from me. I have always had a shorter physique and due to my genetics, I was not blessed with a super fast metabolism. Because of this, I have always been told to watch my weight and watch what I'm eating because I never want to be fat. Countless times I have seen my mother comment on her stretch marks from pregnancy and refuse to wear a bikini. Then my father, who is in love with working out and fitness so much that we must have a work out room in our house, comments on how fat he is. Along with that, a number of my friends would comment about how fat they were or how they hate the way they look, which made me eventually turn to myself. *Disclaimer: I am in no way blaming these people for my eating disorder, just pointing out events that have led up to MY decision to start starving myself*
From a young age, I saw that I was not the skinniest girl in the group, but I really did not start caring until my sophomore year of high school. That is when I began to skip meals and the large black figure in my mind would congratulate me for doing so. More and more I would develop headaches and yearn for food in my stomach, but I simply couldn't eat because I did not want to be fat. The black figure grew larger and larger every time I caved to its every need. It was something that became me.
The trouble with eating disorders comes from others. I had more people comment about how skinny I was during my eating disorder than not, making me and the black figure feel more confident in what I was doing. Although my body was deteriorating, I simply did not care because I was considered skinny. I was afraid to show my body anywhere because it was disgusting.
Eventually, the people closest to me at the time started to notice my lack in eating and force me to eat. My parents would force me in the morning and at night while my boyfriend and friends would force me while I was at school. The large black figure that consumed me for so long would tell me how ugly I was with every bite I took. It told me that no one would love me if I ate and that everyone would leave me. It told me such horrible things that I blocked out most of it.
The worst would be when I would catch myself in the mirror. Body dysmorphia is a real thing. I still see myself, a few years later as that same chubby girl because I cannot picture myself being thin.
Although I find myself eating every meal now and the black figure has shut up a long time ago, it is still extremely tough to eat. What most people seem to not understand is that once you develop a bad relationship with food, it never goes away. Some days I can eat whatever I want, but I will still go to bed or in the shower and realize that I should just stop eating for good. Clothing shopping and swimming are things I need to build myself up to do because it is not easy to just jump to loving myself when I hated myself for so long.
I want everyone that struggles similarly or differently than me to strive to do one thing, tell yourself that your body is beautiful and BELIEVE IT. I am still working towards this, and I hope that I can inspire someone else to as well.
If you need further help or feel like you cannot do this on your own, please visit NEDA or contact their helpline at (800) 931-2237. You are not alone and do not deserve to fight your black figure alone. You are beautiful in my eyes. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-suppo...
It must be extremely difficult to deal with an eating disorder in the spotlight, but Anna Saccone does a wonderful job at explaining her eating disorder and how she has recovered from it. I applaud her and highly recommend checking her videos out!
