My struggle with opiates began during my senior year of high school.

It was another difficult day readying myself for school and I could not get out of bed. I grasped, struggling to reach my cane so that I could hoist myself and make it to school. I limped and struggled for a long time till eventually I saw a physician. I was instructed to begin a tough regimen of physical therapy, but the doctor also prescribed me something else, Vicodin.

Fast forward a few months, I had completed multiple courses of physical therapy, but the only thing that had improved was my ability to swallow fistfuls of pills. I genuinely felt agony every day, but the euphoric side effects of the pills made life a bit easier. Caught between pain and pleasure, I continued down this path for a long while until I regained my ability to walk, but more about that later.

I had been on opioids once before during my surgery. I was only fourteen years old and due to the nature of my Crohn's Disease, I needed to have an operation. I was vomiting constantly and would have to go to the hospital at three AM just to get relief. Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" echoed in my brain as the morphine took my pain away. But it did more than just that. My depressed feelings left my corpse of a body and remembered how to feel joy.

The opiates my leg doctor prescribed gave me that feeling once again. I was used to it, embraced it readily as it was a nice departure from my depressed nature. Eventually, it was revealed that I did not need physical therapy or opiates at all, because my leg pain was due to an inflammatory, not a musculoskeletal injury. I was taken off of the opiates and it was a hard crash.

I remember laying facedown on the carpet, sweating and shivering as I isolated myself during my detox. I had seen it. The end of suffering, the potential for a lifetime of happiness, it was right in front of me. I hated reality and all of its suffering. Pain malevolently embraced me once again and i was powerless to evade its grasp. My pride was defeated by the allure of happiness and I craved my opiates constantly. I snuck a few every now and then but It was nothing compared to the mountains I had to devour earlier due to tolerance. Getting off those pills was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life.

I eventually became sober and am currently opiate free for three years as of this month. To those of you struggling with this problem, NEVER feel like you are alone in this. I understand exactly how hard it is to deal with this burden. Please do not blame yourself; getting clean is one of the hardest things to do, even if you were prescribed them. It can be hard keeping yourself accountable and resisting so understand that you can trust your friends with a cross this heavy. There are many free resources out there to help people like you and me.

And to those of you who may know someone using opioids or who are affected by their use, I employ you to talk to them and help. You may not know exactly how bad it is to detox, but I assure you helping to get someone clean is worth it. Honestly, feel free to contact me if you are going through this problem if you need someone to talk to, and remember you are never alone in this.