I have lived for others my entire life. I tried to be the perfect daughter, and although I'm far from it, I feel like I did an alright job of pretending. I tried to be the perfect sister, both younger and older since I'm the middle child. Now, I'm trying to be the perfect aunt. Throughout my whole life, my friends have come to me looking for a shoulder to cry on, for advice, or for something as simple as a hug. I've always dropped things immediately when others need me. And I'm not sorry for this. I love the heartache that it sometimes brings, because it also brings happiness and possibly a smile to someone else.
My life consists of trying to be someone for everyone. I please others; it wears me out and tears me down, but that's okay, friends. I'd rather be tired than see you crying. It's a fact that my heart will break with yours and my lungs will suck in sharp breaths with yours as we are shocked together. My heart will race with yours as you get nervous and I will try my hardest to catch all the butterflies in your stomach. I will love you with everything I have if you let me. And if the day comes where you no longer want me to, that's okay. Whatever makes you happy, friend. My heartache is dulled knowing that you feel happy.
In high school, I fought depression and eating disorders but never reached out because I was the strong one. No one knew because they needed me, so I made my problems small in comparison to theirs.
I broke down one day and cried in the middle of a choir practice. My friend next to me took me by my shoulders and told me that I needed to pull it together, because everyone else was depending on me. I needed to be strong. So I sucked back the tears with a sting in my throat and a knot in my stomach, and I trudged on.
Lately, I've learned a lot about who I am. I've gotten help for my depression and anxiety. I've gotten a better hold on eating regularly and working out to make myself stronger, not skinnier. I've focused on myself for a while, and I've learned that it's okay to need some help. I'm allowed to hurt, too.
Don't get me wrong, I will be here for you through anything and everything. I will make it all about you, you, you, you.....and me too. I'm going to love you relentlessly. But I'm going to love myself first.
You and you, and me too.
