Let's get Valentine's 2017 right.
Month 1 (remainder of February)
Get out of bed. Stop that self-loathing. Look at those adorably, disgusting, PDA-loving couples and accept that they are apart of your everyday and are completely unavoidable.
Month 2 (March)
To quote the great Elizabeth Taylor, a woman who probably never spent a Valentine's by herself, " (1) Pour yourself a drink, (2) put on some lipstick and (3) pull yourself together."
(All three steps are essential).
Month 3 (April)
How can you expect to find yourself a lover if you are going around in army pants and flip flops? You're not Cady Heron? Fetch isn't going to happen!
Put on some real clothes.
Basic bitches: Unless you are in high school, yoga pants and Uggs are not going to impress anyone. Nobody will care you paid $100+ for your leggings and another $100+ pair of Uggs. You still look "homeless." If you want to show off your best assets, invest in some high-waisted shorts that don't cover all your checks or a pair of jeggings. As for shoes, high-tops and fuzzy socks (as the high-tops cover the fact you have fuzzy socks on).
Month 4 (May)
I hope you've done something worthy of making your hometown friends wish they were you. Or at least exaggerate a reason.
Bonus: if you did #SpringBreak2016 and have a nice blackout story of fun.
Month 5 (June)
Figure out some good Neflix watches for when you have some Neflix-n-Chill with some hottie.
Bonus: if you reject this suggestion because you don't want a "f--k boy."
Month 6 (July)
Try out Tinder? Or When Bagel Mets Coffee or whatever app is hot. It will build up your self-esteem.
Or at least take some cute Fourth of July pics for that Instagram account. Guys love that stuff.
WARNING: be aware that there are creepers out there on the Internet.
Month 7 (August)
Go outside? You probably need a tan. Or vitamin D if you're already tan.
Bonus: if you have a bikini bod. Or at least the confidence to wear a bikini.
Month 8 (September)
No great story ever started with a salad... Unless you met someone at like Tender Greens or some trendy salad bar.
That being said, try eating or being healthy? Or blame your single life on the fact you don't order salads on dates.
Bonus: if you actually have gone on a date this year.
Month 9 (October)
Now you're wondering why you haven't attracted a lover.
Clearly you're doing something wrong. Like have you talked to the opposite sex, or attracted sex?
Maybe try saying, "Hi," or asking what date it is.
BONUS: if you did this in an earlier month.
Month 10 (November)
Just a little more motivation to step up your game because those conversations will come up again next month.
BONUS: if you find out someone in the family is getting engaged and the spotlight is on how you won't have a wedding date.
Month 11 (December)
Figure out how much your friends spend on their SO's holiday gifts. Spent that amount on gifts for yourself.
It will make you feel better about only being able to celebrate the holidays with your family. If you're lucky you have friends who will celebrate them with you.
BONUS: if you get a midnight New Year's Eve kiss. #LiquidCourage
Month 12 (January)
Adopt a dog. Or a pet. At least they will love you forever.
BONUS: If you meet a hottie at the dog park or Petco and everyone loves a puppy or a cute animal.
Month 13 (February)
Well, you tried. Given you have 14 days until this plan clearly is marked as much of a failure as a no food diet.
Go to the Target and pretend you're buying some chocolate and wine for your hot date. No shame in your dog being your Valentine or doing a Galentine's Day celebration. Or volunteer to take your non-single coworker's shift so then they are obligated to cover yours forever.
BONUS: if you didn't spend Valentine's 2k17 alone.