I’ve lived twenty-two years. In this life I’ve lived, it’s often felt like twenty-two decades. This has presented me with a variety of obstacles to overcome. From me never getting to know my paternal grandmother to my mother and father getting divorced when I was eight, and seeing my father laying in a funeral casket, plenty of curveballs have been thrown my way.
Having generalized anxiety disorder and infrequent panic attacks only provides more hurdles that I must leap in order to make it to where I want and need to be. It isn’t easy for me to ask for help or communicate certain problems when they arise. Some people have had the vibe that i’m cold, heartless, and thoughtless when I stand mute, with a neutral look on my face (a.k.a. resting bitch face). Others are quick to ask what is wrong. The true reality is that I’m minding my own business and doing my own thing. I’ve faced my share of harsh judgments, name-calling, and doubting that I’ll ever make it far. With depression and anxiety taking over, it’d be completely understandable if I ever gave up, and just conformed to how society would want me to be. A lot of times, the thought of giving up has crossed my mind.
“Giving-up” has even been defined as far as having thoughts of ending my own life, and harming myself SEVERELY.
But, have I?
Hell. fucking. no.
Inspirational people, such as Anna Akana, provide me with an outlet where the former stand-up comedian illustrates light-hearted methods of dealing with mental illnesses, bullies, and societal issues. The YouTube sensation is very vocal about suicide prevention after her little sister committed suicide on Valentine’s Day in 2007. She watched a Comedy Central stand-up performance many months later, done by Margaret Cho. During this, she saw laughter as the true medicine to surviving in an otherwise harsh reality. She made a serious video about how it feels to have a family member commit suicide in 2013. She had her share of setbacks as she moved her act to YouTube as opposed to doing live stand-up comedy after suffering massive panic attacks and anxiety before going on stage.
And that’s how I feel everyday before I go to work or school. Feeling massive amounts of anxiety and border-line panic attacks before showing up.
But, do I still show up?
Hell. fucking. yes.
The strength it takes for somebody like Anna Akana to put on public webcasts and approach very emotional issues with tact and wit knowing she won’t see her little sister anymore is admirable. The strength it takes for me to show up to work and school despite I won’t see my father anymore is admirable. There is something to be said for being strong in the face of adversity, no matter who you are.
It does get better; let’s hope everyone is around to see it.
Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help or reassurance, ever!
