I Worry A Lot
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Health and Wellness

I Worry A Lot

And it's because I'm proud.

25
I Worry A Lot

Well, I don't know if I worry a lot, but I worry intensely. And I'm terrified of my future, so I worry about that. An example of things I'm scared about and/or worry about (some of them are entirely irrational): I worry I'll get sick at a really inconvenient time, I worry I have ovarian cancer like my aunt, I'm worried I won't be able to have kids, I'm worried my love will lose interest in me, I'm worried we'll get married and I won't be able to handle his profession like I think I can, I'm worried he'll die, I'm worried I'll be the one who messes it all up, I'm worried about things I said years ago and how what I said affected people years ago, I worry that at the end of four years' work some exam will prove me stupid, I'm worried that my worry is example that I'm weak, I worry I'm unfixable and irredeemable, and I'm worried that in some second somewhere in time that I will be stripped of everything that I think I am.

And it's all because I'm remarkably proud. It's pathetic, really, that I worry about all those things, and I can control almost none of them. It's proud because in the action of worrying I'm expressing that these are things that a) should not happen to me or b) things I can control, when, really, I am above none of these things and I can control none of them. I could have sympathy for myself, something about circumstances, stress, and low self-esteem, but the truth is that this kind of worry, at least in me, is a symptom of pride. Because the real worry, source worry, is that I am not an exception. Which I'm not. Not to anything. What I should do is let it go, give it to God, who is in control and who will guide me through my non-exceptionalness.

I would like to say it was an epiphany, and I gave it all up when I realized, but I didn't. I hold on to it (my prayer is that God will overcome the gap), because once I give it up I have to accept the fact that I am not exceptional. I'm a vulnerable person who is not strong, except in God. I am not nothing, because God has made me, and I am wonderful, again, because God has made me, but I am not exceptional. I guess nobody else is either. So really, nobody should worry, because worry is a waste of time.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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