Lately, God has been pummeling me with some hard truths. Some may use the term sanctification, but I think pummeling really explains what's happening much better. I am a worrier. The worrier of worriers. I like to plan and know what's going to happen. I like my ducks to be in a row and I like to know exactly how I'm going to keep them in that row. But God says, "No, I don't want that duck to be there. No, an off center duck is better. No, no ducks, I prefer hedgehogs." You get the picture.
I just came back from my three-week winter break. I had my money planned out in order to be able to pay expenses and the like while not receiving a paycheck during my time off. Well, there were more trips than I had planned on taking. There were more things I felt I needed to buy than planned. There were higher book costs than expected. I still bargain-shopped like no tomorrow and cut down an estimated $400 book total cost down to about $250, but still, money was tight.
Now, my brother has recently shown interest in developing a relationship with God which is AWESOME and exciting. So obviously I wanted to encourage that and I invited him to church. I decided against going to a church I really wanted to check out because of gas money. I said to myself, "this is good enough and it's right up the hill. I'll be able to save gas money. I have to save the money or I won't have it." Well, we go to church and my brother ends up making a few connections, which was great. We were having a great conversation about it all, when it happened. The noise I recognized immediately from the one other time it happened. My tire was flat. I couldn't drive an hour and forty-five minutes to school on a spare. With $70 left in my account, I was going to have to buy two new tires and fill my tank and pay a phone bill.
Naturally, self-centered worrier that I am I immediately thought out what I could do. I tearfully realized that I would have to dip into my wedding fund savings. The wedding that is just next year. I literally started to cry as I transferred the approximate amount needed over. I loaded up my car, went to the nearest WalMart and requested two new tires. Emotionally, I was not okay. I had dipped into my wedding fund. I was going to have to repay all of that to be on track for my wedding. I was going to have to figure out how to get by for the next two weeks with next to nothing. Then the kind employees of Walmart come out to tell me that my rims are going bad and for some plain-Jane rims it'll be about $100 a wheel. Panic times 5000.
Why am I telling you all about this? Well, one because I'm a written processor, but also because this taught me a lot.
That entire time I hadn't stopped to contemplate what God was doing in all of this. I had forgotten that as much as God cares for the birds of the air he cares for me so much more. I didn't stop to appreciate my brother bundling himself up to go out and put my spare on. I forgot that things would always work out for the good, even if it didn't feel good. But God reminded me, slowly but surely.
My dad kindly offered to pay for a tire, cutting my bill in half. He's also going to search for good, and cheaper, rims. A few of my textbooks sold, giving me back the money I had spent on gas and my phone bill. A friend, passing on a blessing, gifted me some money. In short, in the span of a stressful week in which I started the new semester feeling very off kilter and let this odyssey article going from a "late-Sunday-submit" to an, "Oh, it's Thursday and I should be writing a new article" article, God reminded me that He is in control of all things. To worry and seek money is a silly waste of my time. No matter how hard it may get or how thin I seem to be stretched, all is well.
God's blessings are not always money, in fact, I may venture to say that they rarely are. The true blessings of this week were my brother showing an interest in a life-changing relationship, and that same brother's willingness to change my tire. The blessings were an understanding editor (you da bomb.com Byron!) and caring friends. The blessings this week were my kind professors. The blessing this week was the very breath in my lungs.
I pray that as your day, your week, your month, or year becomes stressful that you continually reflect on the sovereignty of God. I pray that you remember that the true blessings are not physical. We Christians are blessed purely by the promise of Christ; anything else is just sugar on top.
Slowly but surely I'm learning to surrender all that I am at his feet. To lay down my worries and to leave them. Blessed am I that he so firmly reminds me of these truths.
