In an unprecedented mark of rebellion, the Mashco Pio tribe — along with a number of other uncultured Amazonian tribes — refused the allotted dose of Freedom™ prescribed and administered by the United States of America. Although South American countries enacted protective measures to guard the communities from further harm, the Greatest Nation in the World insisted that no one could refuse.
“The savages are oblivious to our reality,” Donald Trump announced during a trip to Venezuela.
“And that is why we need to introduce a taste of Freedom™ in their lives: chicken pox, Wall Street, super PACS, and environmental exploitation. It’s the only way they’ll grow.
“Of course, once they get a taste of our supremacy they’ll start hording through our borders,” the billionaire remarked, his hair flailing against the wind. “So I’ve constructed a novel two-pronged foreign policy: invade and protect. First, we bomb these guys with a measure of democracy and capitalism. Then, we deny the survivors sanctuary. It’s a fail-proof plan to boost our egos.”
“In the end, unbridled imperialism is the only solution! When I become President, I will ensure that they recognize the superiority of the white man,” Trump concluded his speech, his orange tan bearing a dangerous resemblance to dried apricots.
The presidential hopeful’s view is not an unpopular one, as evinced by polls. A recent census asking “Is it okay for the USA to f*ck sh*t up and blame it on others?” was met with an overwhelming “Yes” for 75% of participants. Public opinion further supported the idea of “stealing sh*t from barbaric tribes.”
Some of the survey-takers were contacted to elaborate on their opinions.
Jeb Bush, a Floridian local, noted the importance of Freedom™ and its distribution in history.
“Take, for example, black people. We forced them over here because it’s just better for them. Even the Chinese knew how great our country was and came over here, looking for some of that ‘liberty and justice for all’ American Dream.
“After years of enslavement, colonization, and segregation neither found much hope, but I can’t help it if they can’t see reality the way us white folks do.”
A Canadian native named Ted Cruz weighed in on some other instances of the USA’s greatness in history.
“World War I. Normandy Beach. Korea! We all saw the USA’s heroic strength in those instances. How can we ever be wrong?”
The Harvard graduate, however, stumbled a little when it came to the Vietnam War. “I mean, Vietnam — Vietnam was a particularly foul-mouthed child. They wouldn’t just accept our Freedom™ like others did. But look at them now! Their obesity rates aren’t even close to ours.”
“Even the poor oil companies are running out of options,” former Arkansas resident Mike Fuckabee claimed. “We sucked nearly all the oil out of the earth and now the industry has no choice but to destroy the forest — and quite frankly, the natives are in its way.
“Besides,” the irrelevant has-been noted, “the tribes obviously want contact; our profit speaks for their voices.”
What will happen to the tribes? It doesn’t seem to matter, as currently the USA is indulging in its own colonialist policies. Modern imperialism is delicious and in high demand.
