We as a human society tend to equate certain personality traits as givens when added to overall attractiveness, as well as having a penchant for ranking people in such an order: TIME's Most Influential list, People's Most Beautiful list and the undying love for beauty pageants (Toddlers In Tiaras, anyone?). More often than not, these lists are comprised of females, and based on the socially-acceptable, universally agreed-upon physical perfection of said women. They are (sometimes, though this is changing rapidly) considered successful humans solely due to their appearance—a most unfortunate thing. Let's turn the tables a bit and rank some of the most famous male authors in the canon of Dead Male Authors based entirely upon what I deem to be physically attractive. Ranking will not be determined by their body of works or actual writing in any way. I haven't read the works of most of these guys.
Sidenote - This article is meant to mimic the way women are treated in society through the use of famous males. These writers will be ranked on trivial flaws that women are judged by on a daily basis.
On that note, let's begin!
Sorry Charlie, that Willy Wonka hairdo and scraggly beard just isn't cutting it. Due to his poor choice in facial hair, this Dick[ens] is bumped to the bottom of our list.
Final thoughts: Make like David Copperfield and disappear!
Kafka's unfortunate middle part and perpetually shocked look puts him way at the bottom of this list, though he beats out Charlie D for the #flawless skin. However, points are added for looking like Bela Lugosi's Dracula.
Final thoughts: Even though he's not a giant cockroach, Kafka really bugs me!
Tiny wire-frame glasses recall a young Harry Potter and that pushbroom mustache? YUCK. Keep that well away from my high-necked, 19th century gown, thank you very much.
Final thoughts: I'm Jungle Booking it out of here if Kipling comes my way.
Sure, he is clearly the most famous English writer probably on the face of the earth, but Elizabethan ladies could do without the soul patch/beard/handlebar mustache combo. He also loses points for those pierced ears and the never-ending forehead.
Rating: 2/10 [bonus points for those manbun-length locks]
Final thoughts: To put it simply, there's Much Ado About Nothing when it comes to Willy Shakes.
There's honestly nothing striking about Melville, other than the fact that he looks like Droopy Dog. As for his beard, it looks like a squared-off Brillo pad floating out of nowhere.
Rating: 3/10 [at least he has two defined eyebrows]
Final thoughts: *insert Moby Dick joke here*
Gabriel García Márquez
All I can say is this.
Rating: 4/10. He's got that brooding, Jon Snow-esque look down, at least.
Final thoughts: You bet there's One Hundred Years Of Solitude for this guy.
Edgar Allan Poe
The neatly tied collar makes him appear stiff and unapproachable. Plus, why gel down JUST the roots of your mad-scientist hairdo? The bags under ol' Eddie's eyes could easily be fixed with a little more sleep, rather than writing horror through the night.
Rating: 5/10. That little smirk reveals his sensual side.
Final thoughts: I'd Fall [in] The House of Usher if that meant this Romantic would catch me.
Look at those deep, chocolate-brown eyes staring into your soul. He's got a neatly trimmed beard and a perfectly tied turban to contrast the space-cadet facial expression.
Rating: 5/10. He looks like someone who was very nice and sweet on Tinder, but tries to get you naked on the first date.
Final thoughts: I just might take a Train to Pakistan.
Clearly Sterling Brown has perfected the hand-framing-the-face pose, leaning sensually on his palm and staring off into the distance, leaving you wanting more. He'd also look handsome with or without glasses.
Rating 5.5/10. He'd be a 6 if he did something with those unruly eyebrows.
Final thoughts: I'd walk a Southern Road with this Harlem professor.
José Garcia Villa
I'm pretty sure José Garcia Villa has the most amazing cheekbones to ever exist—you could cut diamonds with those. The man has quite a perfect profile. I mean, look at that nose!
Rating: 6/10. I can't get past that perfect hair swoop oh my...
Final thoughts: I think José Garcia Villa is quite handsome, I can't even.
Roberto Bolaño is clearly who every modern hipster aspires to be: those retro wire frames, that perfectly-mussed hair, the cigarette marking just the right amount of danger—who wouldn't swoon over this guapo Chilean?
Rating: 7/10. He's definitely my type (even though I have been told my type is "just men in general.")
Final thoughts: I'll spend my winter in The Skating Rink with him, no doubt.
Look at this happy nugget. Langston Hughes has one of the nicest smiles I've ever seen! He's that sort of guy you're friends with for a long time before you realize you have feelings for him.
Rating: 7/10. Even though he has a great smile there's something weird about his eyebrows.
Final thoughts: Love with Langston would be Not Without Laughter.
Samuel Beckett's hairstyle transitions easily into 2016's male undercut, though it might not be the best choice due to its exposure of those prominent ears. His sharp, intelligent face balances out those Dumbo-sized hearing organs.
Rating: 7/10. It seems his absurdist playwriting style parodies his outward appearance. But he does have an actor-worthy, striking look about him.
Final thoughts: Waiting For Godot is no problem when I can wait with Sammy Becks.
Rating: 8/10. That's just the right amount of mustache to be desirable without rubbing your upper lip raw.
Final thoughts: He'd make a perfect Blithedale Romance.
Rating 8/10. Unfortunately, there's not much about Virgil's personal life and he could have been anything as extreme as a stalker or just a total jerk.
Final thoughts: I dream of being Virgil's muse for the "Alneid," the origin story of yours truly.
Isn't he the finest dandy you've ever seen? A sense of style, unbelievable wit and a pout that puts Angelina Jolie to shame, manifests themselves in the perfection that is Oscar Wilde.
Rating: 8.5/10. Sadly for me Oscar Wilde was drawn to members of the male gender.
Final thoughts: For some man in the Victorian Era, Wilde would have made An Ideal Husband.
T. S. Eliot
With his slicked-back part and his half-smile encased in a boyish-looking face, T. S. Eliot is the OG sadboi, defining and causing lust over sensitive types since 1888.
Rating: 8.5/10. Where's the rest of his eyebrow though?
Final thoughts: T.S. Eliot can sing me "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" anytime.
Okay, so it turns out James Joyce is absolutely GORGEOUS. I mean, he's basically every modern girl's lumbersexual dream; tie that hair in a proper man bun, lose the glasses, and Photoshop a flannel and some tight jeans onto that frame and Joyce fits right into contemporary America.
Final thoughts: Someone get me A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man so I can stare at it all day long.
Jack Kerouac is basically America's first sexy cowboy. Along with the other bad boys of the Beat Generation, his sultry stare burns into your heart and makes you swoon. Too bad Neal Cassady occupied his thoughts all too often.
Final thoughts: Jack, take me On the Road with you!
W. B. Yeats
Rating: 10/10. I'm pretty sure this Irishman is my soulmate.
Final thoughts: Bring me to The Lake Isle of Innisfree, I want to be alone with my Willy B!