Although it may not look like it, I really do enjoy physical activity, because I really REALLY enjoy eating. So I try to balance things out. I work out while at home (over summer and winter breaks) and while at school because like I said before, BALANCE. BUT ALAS, I began to see noticeable changes in my body in very drastic ways. I spent my winter break at home and as I entered the first week of February (just a couple days before I had to go back to school) I looked into the mirror and saw Dwayne the Rock Johnson looking back at me.
I was literally ripped. I had stretch marks around my biceps from rapid muscle growth. I could not understand how this had happened so suddenly in the span of just two months. So you can say I had high hopes for my summer ~bod~ since I expected to get progressively more #shredded over the spring semester. Welp, things went south. Recently, I flexed in the mirror and nothing. moved. in. the. slightest. I had lost all of my muscle and gained a good amount of fat, you can say I was confused. It wasn’t like I had more time to work out at home than I did at school. While home, I worked two jobs from 5:30 am to 6 pm, so my workdays were even longer than my school days. Also, since I now had a kitchen at school, I was cooking meals for myself just as I did at home. Nothing added up.
It wasn’t until recently, while I was at the gym and aggressively rushed through my workout that I realized what caused my Dwayne the Rock Johnson bod to fade. I WAS AGGRESSIVELY RUSHING. I took a step back and questioned why I was doing this and sure enough, over the course of just three workouts, I was able to trace back the cause of my untoned bod. And I don’t want to blame this on anyone because, in the end, it is me who is cutting workouts short or rushing through things out of sheer and utter discomfort, but sometimes, people make it a little too hard (out here for a pimp).
1. The men in the basement of the gym think that they are all Hulk Hogan
I think this has happened to me upward of 6 billion times. And each time it causes me so much discomfort; I want to rip my skin off. This is how it usually plays out. I’m at the squat rack, doing my thang, lifting a plate onto the bar, when Brad sees me from across the room. He assumes that since I have boobs, I must clearly be struggling. Brad stops whatever he is doing and sprints over so that he can TAKE THE PLATE from my hand and slide it onto the bar. He then asks if I’m ok, because clearly the plate was attacking me and his assistance was needed. I say I’m fine and expect him to leave. He doesn’t leave. Instead, he watches me squat, says I should sit back further when squatting, and then shows me his form. Not knowing what to do, I thank him and begin to take the plates off after literally doing only ten reps. Then I sprint up the stairs because HELP, thus concluding my workout.
Don’t worry; there are about ten different variations of this I can think back to, all ending with me cutting my workout short and retreating out of anger/confusion. My gym at home is filled with dads, palate moms, preteen high school wrestlers who are downing supplements in hopes of getting #large, and of course some kids I went to high school with that I just pretend to not see. And no one has ever critiqued me. I think it’s just a college boy thing, to assume that your workout is holier than thou. And they may think they’re helping, but in reality, they are only helping my flab grow progressively larger as I retreat from the gym.
2. The school's weightlifting team uses the gym and since they all look and lift like Olympic athletes
Imagine. You’re dancing on a stage by yourself just for the hell of it, and Beyoncé comes out of nowhere asking if she could borrow the stage so she can rehearse for her concert. That is literally what happens to me in the gym except for a member of the weightlifting team is Beyoncé and the stage is any type of weight, machine, rack, bench etc. I happen to be using at the moment. You don’t just say no to Beyoncé, you don't make her wait, especially since she actually has a valid reason to be using the stage, so I don’t say no to a 200 lb. slab of pure muscle that is asking me to use a bench. I get up mid-set and literally sprint to wipe it off for them and re-rack my weights. To be honest, I’d even bring them a snack if they asked me, that’s how intimidated I am by them.
3. Every girl is clad in LuLu Lemon and looks like a Sports Illustrated Model while I wear my ex-boyfriend's soccer jerseys and resemble Danny Devito.
This one is solely confidence based but honestly, can you blame me? I never knew that workout clothes were a thing before coming to college. At home, I wear a pair of leggings and any ratty t-shirt I don’t mind sweating in. And I still do that here because 1. I have no money and 2. I’d rather spend my money elsewhere. So imagine how fearful I was (and evidently still am) working out next to perfect girls in perfect, skintight workout gear? Don’t get me wrong, I know this is completely on me because I should have enough confidence to do my own thang and not care but sometimes, especially when you’re not having the best day, it all gets in your head. And that’s when I stop doing my squats because I feel inferior and pack it in for the day and speed walk home so I feel like I did some form of physical activity.
These three reasons, combined with the fact that I am top 10 one of the most awkward people to walk this planet, have transformed my old Channing Tatum circa 2012 bod into my current Channing Tatum circa 2014 bod. So I ask you all to collectively pray 4 cha girl as I embark on my journey to fitness since I go home for summer in literally 32 days. We need a miracle people, and for my sake, a completely empty gym.