I have some words to say to you. You controlled my life for so long, bringing your friend depression tracking your muddy shoes inside. You have created a hostage situation within myself and I've had enough of it.

I am a good person. You tell me every day that I am such a terrible person, that I don’t call enough, and that I don’t love as much as they do. You make my mind an active war zone every morning and every night it transforms to a radioactive wasteland. You make me stress myself out and spread myself out so thin that I cannot have any time that I want to actually show that I care about myself. But you know what, you are right.

Your hold on me isn’t as strong today, I can rise up just enough to tell you off. Just to get out of bed in the morning I have muster all the energy that the sleepless night of sleep you provided me. My clothes for the day are picked by what I know won’t bring unwanted attention to me, clothes that I know that can gain some compliments on. Class is a new struggle, “What if I get hit by a bus, I’d be so late my parents would kill me.” I know that makes no sense but it’s what goes through my head walking to class. I can’t explain why I think so extreme, but you do. You force me to experience every possible scenario for some sick reason. It’s almost like you are screaming at me, “Get out of here, no one wants you to be here,” every day.

You are everything I hate about myself. You are the double chin that everyone can see, but really no one can. You are the sheer volume in my voice, am I speaking too loud? Am I too quite? Is what I am saying making sense to anyone but me? I know deep down that I am smart enough to form a coherent sentence, while noticing social cues.

You can’t tell anyone, and why would I? People think I have so much self confidence that I feel nothing, that the fact I am loud and I have friends should cancel out what I feel about myself. It’s not fair. Why can’t I be allowed to have an off day? Why can’t I hide in my room with the lights off, huddled in a ball in a corner? I’d rather be doing that than sitting in class acting like I know what my professor is talking about. I have my dark days, you make sure of that, but when you decide to take a break, life almost feels “normal” for a few days, weeks, one time it was a whole month. But when you come back, it's like a bomb dropped and my life turns into a war zone.

I am strangely thankful for you crushing my life. You made me this person that you inhabit this week, I am stronger for it. I am stronger for what you put me through. My life is mine.