The majority of my senior year of high school was spent scheming my great escape from everything that had become seemingly redundant and monotonous, and with just a few short days left in my hometown before school starts, you’d assume that I couldn’t be happier that the long-awaited day has finally come. These past few weeks have been spent packing and saying semi-permanent goodbyes to some of the people who have become an integral part of my life. There have been heartfelt “see you laters” to friends, family and one particularly special goodbye to the person who has brought me to who and where I am today -- the self of this time and place that I leave behind. I believe that the most important and difficult goodbye was, and in these last few days continues to be, the person I was up until this point in my life.
As I take a step back I realize that I am no longer the girl who is best friends with my best friends, I’m not the President of my school club, I am not a part of Key Club or DECA, not the girl who spends hours creating and cleaning choreography at the art center across the street, and I am not the daughter who wakes up comfortably in her parents’ home each day before school or volunteering; nor will I ever be any of those things again. This next chapter marks the start of the part of my autobiography that I author on my own. It will be a daunting experience, through which I excitedly and anxiously make my own decisions and learn to become ever more independent; one filled with potential and wonder.
For the Class of 2016, the paradox in walking away saying that there are bigger and better things ahead (which is undeniably true), is that we too easily forget the significance of where our past has brought us. There is a Filipino proverb: “ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan, hindi makakarating sa paroroonan” which translates to “a person who does not remember where he came from will never reach his destination.” Although this was a saying I had heard growing up, its effect only came to mean something to me recently in understanding the significance of looking back at humble beginnings and expressing my gratitude to the people and places of my past -- it is because of them that I am who, what and where I am today.
Before I forget, here are the last words I hope they remember:
To the friends I was able to see just before leaving – those of you who have become like my family…
I’m sorry for the times I took your kindness for granted, for assuming that ‘forever’ meant forever and a day and that there would always be a tomorrow for us to watch a movie, explore the city or just talk. Thank you for making the time to see me, for assuring me that I can call you at any hour of the the day when I feel alone or upset and for the last hug until at least Christmas. Thank you for making me a better person -- one who has grown to be more sensitive and caring through the virtues you have shown me, one who has grown stronger because of the obstacles we’ve faced together. Thank you for seeing us through the nights we cried or lost sleep over a fight or miscommunication and for seeing me off with full support. Know that we are all in this together, whether you're my age, younger or older; we're all equally as lost and confused. Even if that is true, I believe in you. I know that you are capable of more than you can imagine or see right now. As we all take life's leaps of faith together, you'll always have my hand to hold. I hope we keep the promises we made about constant Skype calls and holiday reunions, and if we aren’t as diligent, I hope that not matter how large or small the intervals of time are between our regularly scheduled meet-ups or conversations, you never let go of the times we shared or forget how much you truly mean to me.
To the friends I wasn’t able to see because of circumstance…
If there is a tomorrow that is meant for us to be together again then that tomorrow will come. Don’t worry, I won’t forget you, and I surely hope you’ll be kind enough to do the same. I hope you understand that my door is always open and consider the fact that I probably think about you and wonder how you’re doing more than you realize -- in passing thought or be it on days I wish you were with me to talk to. Know that I anxiously await the day that we can make up for lost time. History has shown me that that day comes, so for now we have to learn that patience is a virtue.
To the friends I didn’t see because of choice…
What I’ve learned is that sometimes we need time. For the time being, we need time to grow apart, grow up and learn more about ourselves before we can try to fix things. I hope you know that the moments we shared, which may seem a lifetime away now, were true. My love, care and support for you were sincere in that moment and though there came times when it felt like betrayal or hurt or anything opposing where we began, I wouldn’t wish away or regret those moments in history. I hope that the time apart and the times of hardship ahead of us -- in learning that “I’m sorry” doesn’t come instantly or easily -- we can come back to a good place. I hope you can forgive me for not being able to deal with things now and I hope you can be patient with me in understanding that when we come to that place I want it to be sincere and and that it will take time and future experiences to be good and ready. I hope you understand that we can’t always be okay, and that it’s perfectly fine because nothing in this world is permanent but change, therefore I promise that things will get better if you give it a chance.
To the numerous people who questioned or laughed at my decision…
I appreciate the fact that I was able to humor you with my choice, and honestly your comments made me question a lot of things -- my values, my worth and what I am capable of. It was particularly dejecting to hear it from people of authority who I believed would show even the slightest enthusiasm, but you taught me something valuable by withholding any sense of validation. You taught me that as an adult who makes their own decisions, these very decisions are ones that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, not you. I never understood the trivial encouragement to dream big, but not too big; but I assume you’re preparing me for the many future encounters I will have with disappointment and people with doubts, so thank you. It is because of you that I will strive even harder to reach my aspirations and I hope that every other student who felt the same way I did because of you, will find their inner-strength and independent voice and do the same. It is because of you that I can appreciate those who believe in me. it is because of you that I will be the one offering a standing ovation to anyone, who too, may not have their own esteem.
To that one teacher who actually believed in me and my decision…
The last day I saw you, on which you signed my yearbook, I went home and cried. I cried because for the first time I heard reassurance from someone of authority at my high school that I had something to be proud of. I remembered sitting in your class in my Sophomore year and feeling comfortable enough to share what I thought. I would see you every Friday for dance practice and you saw me grow into a wiser and more confident person with each passing year. You were the single teacher at my school who always made me feel welcome, valuable and that what I said and thought mattered to you, that it mattered at all. You let me believe, for once, that my decision wasn’t a mistake. You treated each student you met, whether it be through your class or the club you supervised, with respect and that is a virtue I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
To the people who believe are long forgotten…
It’s been weeks, months or years since we’ve had a decent conversation, if one at all. We many not talk or think about each other too often. We may only be up-to-date with each other's lives through Facebook posts. We may have never had a proper goodbye or any sense of closure. However, I assure you, you haven’t been forgotten. On occasion, I’ll sift through old birthday cards, yearbook greetings, photos saved on my old laptop or see something that reminds me of you. Trust me, in those instances everything comes rushing back. I miss those memories and I’m grateful I have them at all. Thank you for all that you have done for me. Thank you for all that you have been to me. Trust me, you will never truly be forgotten.
To the first apartment and neighborhood I lived in, the dojo where I’d spend my weeknights and the dance studio I called home…
You’ve seen me at my best and at my worst. It was in all of these places that I learned the most about myself and those around me. Here I learned about self-sacrifice and the virtue of selflessness, both personally or through demonstration by a family member, teammate or friend. It was in all of these places that I cried a significant amount, but saw that the tears that well up in my eyes more times than I’m proud to admit, aren’t any indication of the strength and will within me to fight through any obstacle. Here I was tested, I learned endurance and courage, I was humbled and met people who showed me that seeing isn’t always believing. Thank you for showing me that a good reputation doesn’t necessarily indicate moral character, nor does a bad reputation or poor choice define an individual as a bad person. Thank you for showing me that material wealth, financial stability and popularity are ultimately trivial, that they do not define a person. Thank you for showing me that I am stronger than I think and more capable than what I have been made to believe. Thank you for showing me that love that is patient, enduring, selfless and understanding -- be it for the family you are born into or the families you choose -- are more than sufficient alone.
To the people who have given me the world and then some, my family…
Thank you for giving me every opportunity, for supporting my every decision and although at times it was difficult for me to understand or realize, thank you for never putting me in harm’s way. In times that didn’t seem like it, in retrospect, I know that you have always and always will have my best-interests in mind. Thank you for being accepting and patient with me; I hope to have even half your strength as I go through life and make my own mistakes (and I know there will be many). Thank you for listening to me, for raising me with good values and morals, and for ensuring that I stay true to my word -- to you and each person I meet. I’m sorry that in trying to achieve there were times I lost sight of my priorities and who I am, the things that truly matter. I hope my intentions are transparent, such that you know that, with all that you have scarified, expressed and loved me, I am ready to set forth on my own journey. You have prepared me well. Know that you have given me absolutely everything so I may handle instances and feelings of doubt, insecurity, hardship, pain and failure. As for the things in life that I may not be ready for, know that you have at least given me the courage to face them.
To the friends I have yet to meet…
I’m excited for everything that is to come. I’m excited to share adventures and disappointments. I’m excited to learn from you and grow with you as a person. I am sorry in advance if I ever let my past affect our future. I’m sorry if I assume the worst of you based on experience and if I’m hesitant to trust please be patient. I know you are probably just as unsure and wary as I am, so hopefully was can learn how to ‘adult’ together. I hope we see each other at our best and at our worst. I hope you won’t be too quick to forgive me nor too easy to heal because I hope you can test me, push me, and help make me a better person.
To the girl in the mirror I bid farewell…
I’m proud of you. Know that even when it seems like nobody else is, I am proud of you. I love you. Know that even when it seems like that is impossible, I love you. I hope you know that you’ve come a long way, and though there is a much longer and more difficult road ahead, you have it in you to make the most of it and make something of yourself. I’m sorry for the many times you were your worst critic, for the times you were certain you were inadequate and for the times you let yourself believe that what other people thought was more significant than what you believed. However, I wouldn’t take back the times you didn’t give yourself the appropriate credit, the times you saw the glass half empty or the times you took things too personally or said yes to doing the right thing for the right reason without asking if it was right for you. And this is why I must say goodbye… I look forward to a future where you learn your worth, know your strength and are wiser, happier, more open-minded, patient, understanding and easier to forgive -- others as well as yourself. I hope you learn to take things in stride and take the time for yourself that you need. Finally, I hope that you never feel like you are giving to the point that there is nothing left because the immense amount of love and respect you possess makes you resilient. You have so much and so much to offer this world, this life and the people you'll meet along the way. Be generous. Be kind.
To all that I leave behind for the time being: Goodbye and thank you.
