Did you ever think of me before you shot dope through your veins? Did you ever really love me? Or was it the drugs talking? Was I just another girl? A girl for you to hold on to and lie to? A girl for you to take all the good out of, to use, and then throw to the sea like bait? Were you ever really happy? Were you happy with me? Or were you just happy because you were higher than a kite? Did it ever hurt you when you would make me cry? Did you ever feel sorry for threatening me? For taking everything I had? Were you ever sober during any part of our relationship?

These are the questions I was left with. These are the questions that circle through my mind like a playlist on repeat. Even when the days are good and even when I know I am so over you -- these questions are still there. You did that to me. You destroyed every bit of good in me and replaced it with constant anxiety.

You left so fast and I was stuck. For months I found myself constantly blaming myself for everything that happened. When, in reality, I did nothing wrong. In fact, I did everything right. I stood by you, I was there for you when you needed it, I took care of you when you were sick, I picked you up high at all hours of the night, I never judged you, my family took you into our home. I bought you gifts, just because. I did everything right. But you still left. And then you fiercely walked out of my life.

I was so kind about everything. I understood every choice and every move you made. I walked a mile in your shoes. But you didn't do the same for me. You never did. When you said run, I ran. When you said jump, I said how high. I became your very own puppet.

There was so much I wanted to say -- but couldn't find the words. From a girl who could talk for a living, I was speechless. Everytime you called me, I answered. I pretended like nothing was wrong. But everything was. I may not have said anything then, but whats the difference in saying all my lost words now?

I hate you. I hate you so much that I feel the anger serge through my veins as if I just shot up the drug that you chose over me. You chose a place over me. You chose people you don't know over me. You chose everything, other than me. And I hate you for that. I hate you for telling me you loved me, for saying you were going to marry me one day. And for planning the exact day you were going to ask me -- after I graduated college.

I hate you for taking a bulldozer to the wall that I built up and planting love, warmth, and a sense of home inside of me. I hate you. I hate you for asking me my biggest fears, and then letting them all come into play. I hate you. And I guess what I hate the most is that you did all of this to me, you tore my world apart, you left, you set the promise of you marrying me on fire, and yet I don't hate you. Not even a little. I still ache for your every part, every piece. I still uncontrollably am drowning in the sea of love that I have for you. And even though I don't know you anymore and I know it'll never happen, I just wish you would be the one to save me.

But that is just wishful thinking and nothing more. You see, I don't need you. You filled my world with uncontrollable and heartbreaking chaos. But even though these words are now floating in the depths of this exceedingly beautiful universe, I want to thank you.

So, thank you. Thank you for leaving. Because when you left, I began to find myself, to fall back in love with myself. You proved to me over and over that you were not worthy of me. I deserve so much more than someone who would choose the unknown over a girl who loved your every piece. I hope one day it haunts you -- the thought that you let me go. That you lost me, the girl who wanted nothing more than to fill her days with you. But again, thank you. Thank you because now I get to find my soulmate. The one who wouldn't trade me for a drug. The one who will stay for once. And the one who actually means it, when they say, "I love you."