Dear Impossible Boy,
The time that we spent together was maybe the happiest of my life. In a few short months, you became my best friend, my closest companion, and my most trusted confidant. You showed me what it was like to be in a healthy relationship, what it was like to be respected, and how it felt to laugh so hard that I cried. We truly shared a bond that was unparalleled to any I'd ever known.
That was why it came as such a shock when the day came that you decided this was no longer what you wanted. Sure, we had our fair share of petty arguments, like which kind of chicken wing flavor to order or what show we should watch on Netflix, but nothing too major or drastic to overcome. Or so I thought. Each disagreement wore heavy on you, and I did not realize until it was too late.
You quit on me, just as you said you never would. I can personally tell you that nothing stings your soul quite like hearing the word "love" in the past tense for the first time. Nothing burns quite like trying everything you possibly can to salvage anything that remains, only to watch them burst into flames right before your eyes. Nothing quite feels worse than being told you still felt the same, only to have you take it back days later, saying it didn't mean a thing. Nothing hurts quite as bad as giving your all, and still not being good enough. I stood by your side through every adversity, wiped your tears when you felt the heartbreak of loss, and supported you at your lowest. Sadly, this was still not enough in your eyes.
I know I was not perfect, I made my fair share of mistakes too. My temper was too short and my patience grew thin. I overreacted often, and was a hypocrite in more ways than one. But I do not regret the time that we spent together, even if I uttered those words out of spite. Sometimes when people are hurt so deeply, right down to their very core, they say things they do not mean. I'm sorry if mine hurt you. I am angry, but can you blame me?
I want you to know that I would not trade a single moment we had together. Sometimes I look at our smiling photos in my camera roll, and it takes me back to that place and time. I smile through my tears, because although I will never have those moments with you again, they were some of my happiest while they lasted. We could always have fun together doing just nothing, like on our many lazy Saturdays spent together. I will think of your family often, as they truly were some of the kindest people I had the opportunity to know. I wish that I had not taken those days for granted, as I had assumed that there would be many more.
Above all, I would like you to know that I could never hate you, no matter how many times I have claimed that I do. At the end of the day, I would always be there for you whenever and if ever you needed me, regardless of the situation. I have not yet mastered my answer when people ask where you are and I am forced to explain what happened. I still don't know how to sleep at a reasonable time without you. I still have no one to call when something major occurs or I just had a rough night at work. But those things, I know, will come in due time. Every day I will regret losing you. I'm sorry that I could no longer make you happy anymore. I want you to know that you were my first real love. And although it may have for you, for me, that does not disappear overnight.
Always,
The Girl of Many Regrets
