Words From The Girl I Was
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Words From The Girl I Was

A progression through the years of my eating disorder.

25
Words From The Girl I Was
Damaris Wyand

Age fourteen

“Lately I have been feeling kind of un-pretty and fat even though I know it’s not supposed to matter. I’m [x weight]. The only time when guys will talk to me is when I talk to them, I feel insecure about a lot of things right now.”

“I know this isn’t totally true, but so many people judge you by the way you look and not how you act.”

Age fifteen

“I’m feeling kind of depressed and I don’t know why. I’ve learned a lot about myself and others. I keep things inside instead of telling people. I lost 15 pounds without any help. I’ve made practically all my friends myself, I’ve become someone I don’t really like in order for other people to like me.”

“I’m working on losing more weight.”

“Not much has changed, I now weigh [even less]. I’m pretty excited because I went from [x weight] to [x weight], losing 21 pounds. I definitely feel better, and I look better.”

“I’ve been struggling with eating and body image… I would love to lose five pounds, which would put me at [underweight]. I feel like I’ve got to get it together… everyone thinks I’m the perfect daughter…”

I have an eating disorder. I look like the perfect church kid, the one with good grades, talent, good looks, great friends and adoring guys everywhere but I feel like my façade is slipping away slowly… nothing goes as planned, there’s so much stress and pressure that sometimes I think I’ll explode. I need to talk to someone, but everyone thinks I’m perfect. I need control… I can’t let go yet.”

Age sixteen

“I’m still in the grip of [the eating disorder]. I can’t escape the voices, they tell me what to do. They tell me to exercise more, that I’ll never be beautiful and skinny.”

“Still struggling with [the eating disorder], every waking moment I think about food, I’m obsessed with calories. I can’t seem to find joy in life anymore, it’s all fake, just like my life. I wish I was thin. I wish I could see every bone. I wish I was perfect. Everyone sees the perfect girl on the outside. I’ve fooled them all. I’m playing the ultimate game, one with high stakes and everything to lose. My façade will stay.”

Age seventeen

“It’s not getting better. Life looks perfect, if anything I’m getting better at faking it now. I’m not happy. I’m fat. Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I even forget… but this dark cloud always comes back. I don’t know how to talk to God, I don’t know what to say. I can’t be everything? And I’m still not thin.”

Age eighteen

“I don’t like the person that I am. I don’t like how consumed I am by having control over my life and being perfect. I’ve believed these lies for so long that I don’t know the truth. I never wanted to lose the truth to a lie. If I was to lose these chains, I would crumble. It’s who I am. How can nobody notice that I’m living lies? I’m hopeless, despairing, eating disordered, compulsive, unable to stop in my tracks, nothing that I do is ever enough. It’s a compulsion, the only way I can stop the voices in my head is to make myself perfect, achieving, brilliant, composed and rail-thin, starved of anything disgusting or sinful or weak. I need to be strong above everything else.”

“I feel overwhelmed by all the tasks that I have to accomplish. I am distracted by the constant struggle to lose weight. While I am trying to accomplish all this, even more is expected of me than ever. Lord, please forgive the times in which I hurt my body as a result of mental pain. I know it’s not what you want for me.”

Age nineteen

I am consistently reminded of my weakness. Late nights and early mornings leave me exhausted and running on empty. Emotionally as well, I seem to break down on a weekly basis. Eating is a constant war in my mind, bouncing from eating nothing at all to eating everything. I can’t stop. Every day seems like a series of checks and balances, have I done enough today? Have I kept my calories low enough? My mind can’t rest.”

Age twenty

Praise God, I wasn’t left where I was. By His grace, I am released to a future for His glory. There is life ahead and this year I will live it.

I am FREE.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

54846
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

35290
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

957474
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

184121
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments