"It's nice having someone who cares more for you than they do themselves!"
When I came across this post that my ex uploaded with his new girlfriend, so many emotions came over me. As shocking as it was, it wasn't what I expected. I knew at some point, he'd move on and though it would be strange for me to see him with someone else, I didn't know how I'd feel. But shockingly, I didn't begin to experience the emotions I suspected I'd feel. Those emotions of jealousy, regret, or even anger.
Instead, I felt confused. Confused as to how this thought of me only caring about myself could even cross his mind. Was it the memories of me being awoken at 4 a.m. to go help him because he ran out of gas on the highway that confused me? Was it that time that I was driving home from college when I received a call from him asking me to drive hours out of my way to save him due to car troubles (once again, lol) that caused me to be puzzled? Oh! Or that thing that all girls who are smitten with their boyfriend sometimes fall victim to doing - choosing him over our friends. Like that time I ditched out on my best friend for our school's biggest football game to go to a wedding with him because this was "important" to him. From our nightly FaceTime calls when he was working off shore to his times of unemployment, I was the one cheering him along, even when his closest friends didn't even keep in contact with him during this time. Though I could literally go on for days as to how careless his comment was, that's just it. I won't because I don't care.
Did these memories even matter to me before? Of course not. They only arose strictly due to the fact that instead of being genuinely happy in his new relationship, he still makes it a point to serve that last jab. Getting the last word was always important to him, anyway.
It's taken a lot of thought and silence on my end to gather how I actually feel about this new chapter in my life of finding bigger and better things to focus on. It takes restless nights just wanting to call him up and tear him apart for who he has become - who he promised he'd never be. It takes typing and deleting comments in response to his false words. It takes actually acknowledging that the back-and-forth relationship that became "normal" to you is over for good. It takes understanding that this is God's way of holding my hand as I dodged a bullet, though I fought the signs repeatedly because I thought I knew what was best.
It takes the strength to not just say you don't care anymore, but you have to actually believe this.
Remember, you are so much more than he could ever be to you. You don't need him and his actions showing you that he is choosing to not need you. As Lauren Alaina says, "he's not your definition, no, he ain't who you are .(Think Outside The Boy)"
From the girl that thought the rest of her life was set, the only emotion I feel now is freedom. They say "The truth will set you free." Now, from the other side, I am confident in what I say and even if what is said may be a stretch of the truth, it doesn't matter. Just like his words... they just don't matter anymore.
