I like wearing skirts. Unfortunately, I’m told that makes me a slut.

I like wearing dresses. That makes me a slut, too.

Sometimes I wear shorts. That’s also slutty.

Here’s the kicker: On the days that I wear a loose T-shirt, I’m told “the baggy look doesn’t work for me.” When I wear a button-down and khakis, I’m told I look like a lesbian (although more often than not, the word “lesbian” is replaced by a derogatory term).

So, it’s official. I’m a slutty lesbian who can’t dress herself. I’m glad that’s all cleared up, but slut-shaming isn’t really that straightforward. There’s a little more to the story.

I never truly understood the implications of slut-shaming before college. I had always dressed rather conservatively (although I did have a mini-skirt phase), so when I went away for college and no longer had parent supervision (sorry, Mom and Dad), I began experimenting with my style of dress—and some of the reactions I got really surprised me. They ranged from uncomfortable comments to rude jokes to downright hostile remarks. Even more surprising, however, was who these comments were coming from: women.

Now, I’ve been told a lot of things by other women—friends, acquaintances, and occasionally women I don’t know—but here are my top 5 favorite remarks:

1. “Girl, you better put some clothes on!”

This one will always be my favorite because I was wearing pants and a long-sleeve shirt that day.

2. "Oh my god, your skirt is so short! Bend over and touch your toes, let me see!”

This has been said to me several times by a close friend, and while I understand that she’s joking, it’s always a little unsettling.

3. “What are you wearing? Uh-uh, you’re not going out like that. You should go change.”

This was in response to fishnet stockings and the comment was made by a rather protective male friend. Sadly, I actually did change before going out.

4. “Where are your clothes?”

Well, you know, on my body. Apparently showing skin just means you’re naked.

5. "You should be careful. You’re kind of asking for it.”

This one’s self-explanatory.

Even after all my experiences with being slut-shamed, often by women I know well and who are big supporters of women’s rights and body positivity (ironically), I still didn’t understand why slut-shaming is so common—until recently. Why did it seem so normal to me that, for the longest time, I didn’t say anything about it? Why didn’t I respond to any of the comments above? Why did I just stand there, awkwardly trying to adjust my skirt or shirt, feeling embarrassed and self-conscious when just a minute ago I felt confident?

The answer is simple: it’s because women are sexy, not sexual. It’s ingrained in our minds from the time we’re old enough to understand it: we don’t talk about sex, and we especially don’t talk about women having sex.

The word “slut” spiked in popular usage after the 1970s, and the most common definition is “a woman who has many casual sexual partners,” (Google). However, Urban Dictionary offers my favorite definition by far: a woman with the morals of a man.

Other definitions on Urban Dictionary include:

• “Someone who provides a very needed service for the community… These are great people, and without them, sex crimes would definitely increase.”
• “A woman who is wearing ‘skimpy’ or tasteless clothing.”
• “A girl who has sex but does not enjoy it, who is used by guys and lets them do it. She does not have the self-respect to make them stop.”
• “A girl who likes sex, so she does it. She probably is not in a relationship, and she equalizes herself to guys by treating sex the same way they do.”

These are all especially problematic definitions, which is important because Urban Dictionary is based on how regular people, people like you and me, define slang terms, meaning the definitions above are essentially common knowledge. All of the above definitions imply the following:

• Women don’t have sex. Sex is something that happens to women.
• Your style of dress is an acceptable indication of the extent of your sexual activities.
• Men are inherently sexual beings. All men want and pursue sex, and it is women’s job to satisfy these “inherent” needs.

Why should we care?

• For starters, there really is no such thing as a slut. No matter how you dress or how many sexual partners you have or what you do with those partners, you are a perfectly autonomous being and you can decide for yourself what kind of sexual activity is appropriate and healthy for you.
• The word “slut” is a way of penalizing women for having sex, which is a natural and—when carried out in a healthy context—fun activity. Why shouldn’t women be allowed to have just as much fun as anybody else?
• The use of this word puts pressure on men to pursue heterosexual and unattached sex in order to gain social status in their peer groups. There are plenty of men who enjoy casual sex (and that’s not a bad thing—you do you), but there are also plenty who don’t, and they shouldn’t be made to feel like any less of a man because of that. Nobody should feel the need to “prove” their gender.

Even if you happen to disagree with everything I just said, at least, walk away with this: the next time you think my (or anyone else’s) skirt is too short, keep it to yourself, because my body and what I put on it has absolutely nothing to do with you.