A few months ago I was walking out of my school cafeteria when I picked out a string of conversation that some girls behind me were having, comments that were clearly directed at me.
“Why would someone dress like that every day?”
“That takes way too much effort.”
“I remember when I used to try that hard to impress guys."
My first thought was that I wasn't even particularly dressed up that day. I was wearing a skirt and had makeup on, but that wasn't unusual for me. I had never given much thought to how others perceived me based on the way I dressed, and it made me feel strange to think that people who I didn't even know were making assumptions about me based on something as simple as clothing choice.
The girls were much too close and speaking far too loud for me to believe they didn’t want me to hear those things. And if they did intend on me hearing it, they most definitely accomplished their likely goal of making me feel both uncomfortable and insecure, even if only for a moment.
Of course, being one of the most non-confrontational people you will ever meet, I continued on my way without a word or glance at the girls behind me. Still, I couldn’t help but continue to dwell on what they had said. They hadn’t said anything that was especially cruel or malicious, and yet I felt strangely uneasy about it.
After I thought about it for awhile, I came to realize that the thing that bothered me the most is that they assumed that I dressed the way I did for the sake of male attention. Not only is that an unfair judgement of someone you don’t know, but it’s also a gross and misogynistic idea to think that my only purpose for putting effort into my appearance is to get guys to look at me.
The truth is, I could care less what any boy or girl thinks about the way I dress!
When I was around the age of 16, I started to fall in love with fashion. I would scour through fashion magazines, browse through thrift stores looking for unique finds, and go on shopping sprees at the mall using the money I had made from my first job. It was around this time that I was really becoming comfortable with who I was, and fashion was a way for me to experiment with that notion and play around with different versions of myself.
Finding my own style helped build my confidence in ways that nothing else had. I was excited for each day, to pick out an outfit I liked and would feel great in! Eventually I became comfortable enough with myself that I even allowed myself to start wearing heels, something I had always avoided for a fear of standing out due to my height. I no longer care that wearing heels will make me taller than some boys, because I only choose to wear them for my own sake.
Discovering makeup was just as transformative for me. I can still remember the first time I wore makeup and how excited it made me feel. The day before my first day of high school, my mom came home from the store with a tube of mascara and lip gloss just for me, and I thought it was the greatest thing ever. The next day at school I walked into the halls feeling fierce with my clumpy eyelashes and shiny, sticky lips. It didn’t matter that I was running lost around the school all day, or that I was more than ten minutes late to a class I couldn’t find! Putting time into my appearance that day made me feel like I could conquer the world, or at least face the terrifying ordeal of the first day of high school.
Since then, my love of makeup has grown and has become a near obsession. Makeup is not something I do because I feel like I need it in order to conform to society’s standard of beauty, or to make myself feel pretty. To me, makeup is a truly exciting form of art and self expression and a process that I thoroughly enjoy.
Still, those girls whose conversation I overheard weren’t the first people who have expressed a dissatisfaction with the way I dress or assumed that I presented myself in a certain way to get attention from guys. A boy I used to date had conveyed similar thoughts and though he meant well, it hurt that he was unsupportive of the way that I chose to style myself.
This boy always objected to me wearing dresses and skirts and told me I should dress more comfortably, subtly trying to control me under the guise of caring. He would even go so far as to buy me clothes that were totally opposite of my style but that he would prefer for me to wear, such as baggy sweaters in muted colors. Not only would he complain about the way I dressed, but he would also criticize me for wearing any bit of makeup.
I am proud to say that not once did I ever cave to his nagging about my appearance. My style is something that is so individual to me, and I wouldn’t change it for anyone, especially not for a boy who was more interested in a less authentic version of myself. I've realized that you should be with someone who lifts you up and fully appreciates you for the way you are now, not someone who only wants some fantasy of you that doesn't exist.
I don’t mean to say that there is anything wrong with wearing baggy sweaters, not wearing makeup, or not caring about your appearance, or that all the time I spend getting ready makes me any better than anyone else. I mean the exact opposite! You should dress exactly how you want, in what makes you happy and comfortable with yourself.
I think it’s awesome that those girls who were talking behind me were all dressed in leggings and t-shirts! They looked sporty and relaxed, and it was a reflection of their personal choice and style. What isn’t so awesome is looking down on other people based on their choices, or making unfair assumptions about them.So, to all the women reading this: any man who is worthwhile will see beyond your exterior and find you beautiful and exciting exactly the way you are. If a guy ever wants you to change who you are, maybe you should consider changing guys.
