Just a disclosure, this is going to be very personal, because it is something that I hold close to my heart. For once, I am actually nervous to write this, but I just hope that my words can have an impact in a positive way. Though, this is just how I have felt, and I think that it’s important to embrace not just positive experiences with makeup, but also the negative.

Let’s just get into this. At the age of 15, I decided to start wearing makeup. I only wore mascara and that was about it. Although it might have seemed like a small physical difference, it changed who I was as a person. However, growing up I never wanted to wear makeup, because I was afraid it would change the way I perceive myself and the world. Dang, I should have listened to my younger self. So, back to my teen years and just beginning to wear makeup, I constantly felt pressured to wake up, put on mascara on my short eyelashes and concealer on any of my blemishes. I didn’t even have to think about it. I just thought that it was a little change in my routine.

Then something changed in me. Inside, I start feeling empty and constantly wanting to change something about my face. Actually, I started hating on my own face. From my dimples being “too deep,” my freckles being “too noticeable,” my eyes looking completely naked if I didn’t wear makeup and having acne that felt more noticeable to me than it probably was to anyone else. Thinking about this now makes me see how ridiculous I must have sounded.

Flash forward to when I turned 16 years old. I got a boyfriend. He told me that I was “beautiful,” but I didn’t feel like I was. From then, I started wearing foundation, mascara and the like, which was more makeup than I had ever worn in my life during these few months. I felt empty and shallow to even let myself out of the house feeling that insecure about myself, and putting on a smile as if I was happy. Now, I am certainly not saying that everyone who wears makeup should or does feel this way. Yet, I do know that this was the person it made me believe I was. Therefore, I didn’t feel comfortable with my own appearance, and didn't feel “beautiful” by any means.

At this point, I realized a few things: that I was wearing makeup not just for myself, but for everyone else. I wanted to feel accepted without being judged and I wanted to embrace confidence that was only apparent when I wore makeup. And that I was focusing on my appearance than who I was on the inside, and distancing myself from Who matters most, God. I was using makeup as a goal for finding my own happiness and peace. Waking up every morning wanting to wait for contentment to settle in, but it was never coming, as long as I wore makeup.

Today I am 19 years old. Writing and thinking about this shows me that I was putting my own self First, even though I am Second. An extraordinary God created me inside and out. He stitched me together perfectly and, with the most grace, made me who I am. He has made you who you are, and accepts us with flaws and all. When your mind tells you, “You’re not beautiful,” or, “You’re not good enough,” tell those voices to stop, because you are everything that God has made you to be.

Lastly, as I make the decision today to stop wearing makeup to stay true to myself and for my relationship with God to stay true, I know that it means so much more to me than wasting my time on buying products that only mask the truth. Yes, makeup has been a way of giving me temporary happiness at some points of my life, but my happiness lies within my infinitely loving God. The truth of one's beauty lies from within, not the exterior.