I am not good enough.
My own mind struggles to believe that I am enough a lot of the time, and I can feel myself convinced that the person sitting here is not what the world wants or needs.
This past week I heard the voices of my friends and loved ones louder than I could hear my own. Of course I value what they have to say, but when I found myself actually getting my nails done so that I might look more put together to the people around me, I realized the voices I have been turning to have accumulated too much weight.
Through the influence of social media and conversations with my friends, I let the voices of so many others define and reconstruct the way I view myself. When I started to identify with the words of others, I only let myself believe the bad, and as a result, I have found myself empty.
I forgot to do something for my mom. I wasn’t there for a friend. I didn’t get an A on an assignment. Fail, after fail, after fail. I became exhausted by what the world was saying about my life and retreated to a dark version of myself.
A friend told me to turn to the Lord, but my current posture towards life left me feeling like I had nothing left to give or receive. I knew that I hadn’t been praying like I should have, and I hadn’t listened to God in ways that I should have. I couldn’t handle facing another person I had let down.
I have always been plagued with the idea that I am in a race to perfection. If I don’t obtain the ideal body, top grades, the greatest friends, and flawless relationships, I will fail and never be forgiven. When this weight became too much this week, I decided to face the punishment the Lord had for me for believing all these lies and refusing to let Him in my life.
As soon as I began to pray, I realized that all the voices in my head not only morphed my own identity of myself, but also the identity of God. I thought that I didn’t have enough strength to take on what He wanted me to do, or I needed to do what everyone else was doing around me, but I realized He wanted the opposite. I know I have been told that the Lord only wants your heart, but to me that was another thing that I had failed at working towards.
I let the words my friends spoke over me be the truest thing about me when God was telling me something totally different.
I am a child of God. (John 1:12)
I am not a mistake. (Psalm 139:15-16)
I was chosen when God planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12)
I have a purpose. (Job 42:2)
I am loved. (John 3:16)
So no. I will never be pretty enough, smart enough, or talented enough to feel fulfilled by the world or my own standards. But I will delight in the realization that I do not work for acceptance from this world, but I will work for the freedom the Lord has for me in His presence. God does not have the eyes of humans and does not see my failures as a part of my identity, and for that I eternally grateful.
Although the task is hard, I want to be able to choose the voices I identify with every day, and today I chose God.
I encourage you not to take my word for this. The Bible says so much about who we are, yet we turn to so many other things and so many other voices to find what our purpose is in life. Take a step back from stressing over your school work, job, politics, or family, and remind yourself why you are here and what a blessing you are to this earth through Jesus. You are a daughter or son of a most-high King, and I hope you chose to believe that this week.
