Just let the smell of regurgitated vodka seep into your nose, brush through the clouds of cigarette smoke, and push through the bouncers fighting with some idiot freshman who just wants his fake ID back. Chances are it's Thursday night, so much like 90% of our SoVi residents, you're at Keys Bar.
Lets just start with the parking. Gulf Coast Town Center has some of the worst parking for a bar. There's nothing like stumbling back to your car as some kid pukes in front of a bunch of sneakerheads camping out for some new Jordans at Finish Line. Not to mention, who the hell thinks that a round-a-bout is the most effective way to get through there. It's a miracle some drunk moron hasn't careened his P.O.S. car into the 500 people standing outside.
Next, let's see if we can navigate our way into the actual bar. God knows you have to look around for 20 minutes before you can find the entrance and navigate your way through about 200 yards of tape and other blockades. And whatever you do, do not try and get sneaky and just walk like a normal person into the outside bar without getting a band because a bouncer will come out of nowhere and lose his mind.
Alright, you're parked, you got your band, now lets stand around for 45 minutes wrestling with strangers to try and get to the actual bar. They pack people into this place like The Pope is inside handing out shots of Holy Water #blessed. Once you finally get nice and sweaty and pissed off, you're finally at the actual bar, only to be ignored by a bartender who looks like she just saw a ghost. I'm not sure if they don't like business or if if there is some kind of plague festering behind the bar, but there are never enough bartenders. I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen people grab beer out of the cooler, but hey, at least beer is free all night long with that technique.
Now let's say that somehow you have finally gotten enough drinks in you (or you pregamed like an intelligent person) and you decide you want to dance. I can assure you that you will not find a grimier dance floor in Lee County. There is nothing more exciting than seeing two blacked-out freshmen tongue deep in each other's throats while some kid next to them is molly-ed out, twirling around his EDM light up gloves. Seriously, why? And if you're lucky, you'll get to see two drunk guys in bro tanks and sneakers start swinging at each other.
In the words of Adam S. via his Yelp.com review, "Worst place I've ever been to. Warm beer, bad food, terrible service... I'll never go back."
Adam S. sounds like a loser, so screw that guy. Pregame hard, don't wear nice shoes, suck it up, and have a good time.
